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Questions I Wish I were Asked

Send a Dear Jon Letter today!

by Dear Jon
June 11, 2001

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Questions I Wish I were Asked_Dear Jon-Send a Dear Jon Letter today! Hello readers. As you can see, I solved the world's problems with "Toledo Todd," so it appears that none of you have any real questions for me. So I am going to make an announcement. From here on in, either I get a real letter, or the column of the day is a rerun. This policy begins on Thursday. If I happen to choose to write something even without a real letter, it will be at my whim rather than out of any sense of obligation.

Because Dear Jon has a sense of fair play, I will prime your wells of thought with "Questions I Wish People Would Ask Me."

1. How do I tell a person that he (or she) smells bad without humiliating him?

2. Which fork do I use for my salad?

3. Is it okay to wear blue and green together?

4. If I win the sweepstakes, should I take 30 annual payments of $33,333.00, or one lump sum of $400,000?

5. I am very wealthy and I can't spend my money fast enough, so I thought I would give some away. What are the most worthwhile charities I can donate to?

6. I am getting married next week. My inlaws planned a vacation to the same spot as my honeymoon. "It will be a different hotel. You won't even know we're here." What do I DO?

7. I have this friend who keeps borrowing stuff and then won't return it, or loses it, or breaks it. How can I get my stuff back?

8. If you wuh a twee, what kind of twee wud you be?

9. Me and my ex are movie stars. We made a hit with this famous director, in which millions saw my nude gorgeous wife. I divorced her later, but now a lot of people think I am an idiot. What should I do to change their impressions of me?

10. I work as a book-keeper for a religious not-for-profit school for the Blind. The environment is not too stressed. I work about 40 hours and I never have to bring anything home. Plus, everyone here are friends. But I hardly get paid enough to pay for rent and groceries. An old college drinking buddy is now a cut-throat corporate raider, who has offered me three hundred percent more than I am making, to work with a firm that will require 65-hour weeks if I intend to move up the ladder, including 90+ hour weeks during the two worst months of tax season. Should I spend the extra income on lifestyle improvements now, or should I invest for an early retirement?

11. Which is it, Ford or Chevy?

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Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
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Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

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