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Where Is Pat Paulsen When We Need Him Most?

A replacement has been found and he is black!

by Brooks Gardner
May 23, 2006

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Where Is Pat Paulsen When We Need Him Most?
Cousin Zeb and I were sitting on the front porch of Zeb's house last Sunday afternoon. We were telling stories and swapping lies. Following a belch in praise of a fine meal, "Whatever happened to Pat Paulsen?" asked Zeb.

"You mean the one that was always running for President back in the 70's and 80's?"

Thanks to TV's Smother's Brothers, America had a very astute and clear thinking candidate for President. Pat could always cut to the chase when things were getting confused with a statement like "We know that taking a firm grade is pledganous and facts will bare us out." He was in opposition to gun control and often quipped at NRA rallies, "I ask you, what is our most cherished right since pioneer days? The right for every man, woman and child to carry a gun." "You and I are all concerned with... namely the litter in our streets. By litter, of course, we are referring to banana peels, old newspapers, popsicle sticks, candy wrapping and such usable items as cigar butts... Litter is something we are all against... It's all right in its place... but what isn't?" he was quoted in showing his concern for litter. Pat was a champion for Social Security reform long before 'W' even knew what Social Security is. Pat said this. "Today, in America , according to a recent statistic... the average couple living on Social Security receives about 1,500 dollars a year. We think this is a disgrace. Why should they get that much?... They don't work... they just sit around doing nothing. If they were thirty years younger, they'd be called bums." Patrick L. Paulsen the common, ordinary, simple savior of America 's destiny.

Vernon Robinson's meteoric political came about following Mother Jones's Magazine's endorsement as The Flightless Eagle. The Flightless Eagle Award is a part of one of MoJo's Diddley Awards. The Flightless Eagle Award is awarded to the right-wing congressional candidate least likely to soar. Vern, an African American Republican, was already legendary for his ads, such as the one in which he introduced himself this way: "Jesse Helms is back! And this time he's black." (Me thinks Pat Paulsen is back! And this time he's black.) One pamphlet read: "Your vote could determine whether VERNON ROBINSON or my opponent -- an admitted NUDIST -- yep -- like nekkid -- like no clothes -- represents the Republican Party." Another ad reminded listeners how hard it is for liberals to admit that "black mothers need to stop having eight babies by seven different fathers." He also charged that "gay marriage will lead to civil unions for three men, then four or five, then two transvestites, a pedophile, a lesbian, and a partridge in a pear tree." On primary day this year (2006) in the 13th Congressional District, Vern was picked by the Republican Party to be its standard bearer by a whopping 63% of the vote. Although the 13th District is a Democratic-leaning district, Vern said he was prepared to challenge Incumbent Brad Miller.

Robinson, conservative Republican, has entered the fray. Vernon is a seasoned politician with a comedic background and we are convinced that Vernon could be the re-incarnation of Pat Paulsen. Except this time he is black. And this time a winner. This pundit thinks that Vern has a mighty good opportunity to bring Miller home.

Vern was chosen the Flightless Eagle above four of the best right-sided politicos in the Republican party . MoJo Magazine described the others as James Hart (8th District, Tennessee ) is the GOP nominee who holds that "poverty genes of less 'favored races'" will soon cause the U.S. to "look like one big Detroit ." Alan Keyes (U.S. Senate, Illinois), who ran for the Senate in a state he's never made his home, once chided Hillary Clinton for doing the same: "I deeply resent the destruction of federalism represented by Hillary Clinton's willingness to go into a state she doesn't even live in and pretend to represent people there," he said in 2000. "I certainly wouldn't imitate it." As the GOP's candidate, Keyes quickly found favor with Illinois voters by advocating that their right to vote for their senators be revoked -- and returned to the state legislature. Tom Coburn (U.S. Senate, Oklahoma ) had previously distinguished his hard-right positions by asserting: "If I wanted to buy a bazooka to use in a very restricted way, to do something, I ought to be able to do that." This year he combined two hot-button issues into a surefire winner: "I favor the death penalty for abortionists and other people who take life."

"Well, Zeb, I have babbled much too long. What do you think of the new 'Pat Paulsen'?

"Zeb!

"Zeb?"

The rocking chairs are so comfortable and the breeze is just enough to take a good nap. "Zzzzz."

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