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Hail, CAESAR!

A sneak peek at a Dear Jon presidency.

by Dear Jon
June 25, 2001

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Hail, CAESAR!_Dear Jon-A sneak peek at a Dear Jon presidency. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

If you were President, what would your first ten initiatives be.

Sincerely,
A Perspective Voter


Dear Perspective,

Finally, someone has the right idea. Hopefully, as more people learn of Dear Jon's wisdom, the grass-roots movement to have me nominated the next President will grow. After all, who else are you going to trust with "the button?" The Nixon Framers? If Carter had stayed in office, not only would the Soviet Union exist today, but Mexico would be communist! Or how about the other party, the Kennedy Assassins? The only thing they know how to do is win wars, cold or hot, legal or not (remember Ollie North?). This last time around the Kennedy Assassins figured out how to rig an election, which the Nixon Framers once had a lock on, and still do in a lot of machines. You want to talk about disenfranchisement? Ask any Chicago precinct Republican whether her vote counts for something in this country. Right.

So that leaves the party with Pat Buchanan and Ross Perot, the party that Jesse Ventura departed because it was a laughable circus. Right.

Might as well vote for Dear Jon in 2004. Here is my platform of Ten Priorities.

1. The President must set a decisive agenda for foreign policy. Here is mine: The American system of democracy and economic capitalism is the best system in the world. Therefore, every nation in the world is entitled to adopt our principles, the "American Way." As a symbol of our generous goals of inclusion, I propose that we add to the titles "President of the United States, Our Commander in Chief," the title, "And Chief Administering Elected Secretary of Americanized Republics (CAESAR), Pro Tem." The reason it would be temporary, is that the United States would naturally take de facto leadership of all the world's democracies until such time as international leaders would be sufficiently trained in the "American Way" and could thus assume, by election, the office of CAESAR. Realistically, of course, this would occur, at the earliest, long after my term expires.

2. Since my program of American Inclusiveness embraces all nations, the "United Nations" would itself be redundant. Rather than tearing it down, however, the U.N. facilities would be converted for the use of the "Congress of Republics and United Democracies (CRUD)." The powers of Secretary General would be subsumed under the CAESAR.

3. A new world flag would be designed, with thirteen stripes alternating red and white, and 355 stars, give or take.

4. I would lock the Israeli cabinet into a 9X12 room cell with the Palestinian Authority, and give them three pens, a yellow legal-sized pad, a toilet, a water jug with dixie cups, and 36 hours to come up with a fair and lasting peace agreement before I start tossing grenades through the ventillation pipe. I would then install puppet regimes in both places.

5. I would make Russia full partners in NATO, in exchange for Free Trade, their adoption of the American Dollar, and permission for the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers to haul the Sleeping Bear's infrastructure into the 21st Century.

6. If the European Common Market continues to subsidize French corn and slap tariffs on American produce, I would bomb Brussels first, and then nuke Paris, using Russian NATO ICBMs of course. And then I would dissolve the Common Market by decree, and Include them all in CRUD.

7. Any convicted terrorist's nation of origin will become a nuclear wasteland uninhabitable for a thousand years.

8. As far as our domestic affairs are concerned, I foresee this process of inclusion as being highly beneficial to Americans: Borders everywhere open to our travel. English spoken in every remote corner of the world. American know-how profiting Americans, the way it should be. With all the prosperity, I see no real reason to keep on with social welfare programs.

9. Naturally, the process of Inclusion will require a dramatically increased Armed Forces to police the young democracies toward firmer footing. Recruited from such diverse, international backgrounds, every soldier, sailor, and flyer would naturally take an oath of loyalty to the CAESAR as a means of unification.

10. Term limits will be abolished. Also, an election is an election, so who needs more than one? The People have Spoken, so I should be President for Life.

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