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I Warned You

Jon Deer presents your horoscope.

by Dear Jon
July 9, 2001

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I Warned You_Dear Jon-Jon Deer presents your horoscope. Dear Webmaster: As per my ultimatum in a previous sort which I don't have time to look up, except that it wasn't so long ago than any of my readers should have forgotten by now, I am not submitting an article today because no one has sent me any "actual" letters.

Of course, people being human and all, I have to stick to my threat. If I end up making up a letter and then answering it at length with my usual wit and verve, then they will get the idea that they really don't have to write. I cannot afford to spoil them.

Quite apart from any consideration due my readers, since I don't owe them any, I find myself in the delicate position of having to mend some fences with Jon Deer. Regarding that whole "Stonehenge" fiasco, Jon Deer has threatened not to speak to me again unless I be his agent and query his article submission.

The fact is, he thinks he can do a weekly horoscope, and so I enclose a sample of a horoscope he cast for the week of July 8. Once again, this has nothing to do with "Dear Jon." My readers have to suffer for their lack of gumption. I know that your extensive readership is middle brow and therefore you won't find clods who are superstitious enough to eat up this astrology nonsense. I look forward to your immediate and emphatic rejection of Jon Deer's star-gazing quackery.

Sincerely, Your Devoted and Loyal Columnist,
Dear Jon.

Attachment:
Horoscope for July 8
by Jon Deer.

Hello readers. Welcome to the Premiere of the "Partial Observer's" horoscope. Although I have never cast horoscopes, in a previous life I was a Magi in the Babylonian Court of Nebuchadnezzar -- and then that !@#$-!@#$ Daniel with his "I can tell you your dream. Blah blah blah!" -- well, never mind. That is water under the bridge, and, lucky for me in THIS reincarnation, the ancient arts of the Chaldeans are back in demand. So, all I have to do is bring back my old self, and you will have EXPERT astrological forecasting, based on the purest scientific principles! (Pardon me while I
resume self-hypnosis.)

The Reading of Bel-Darius Jonas, Chaldean Magi:

Aries: You go, girl!

Taurus: Your "rock" gets covered by "paper." You lose.

Gemini: Call your mother.

Cancer: Sometime during this week, you will have something cold to drink.

Leo: You will get irritated with the driving habits of others in heavy traffic.

Virgo: Look for someone to complain about the weather, or their allergies, or both.

Libra: Call your mother.

Scorpio: Mene, mene, tekel uparsin.

Sagittarius: Oh my God. Oh my God! This is awful! I can't look.

Capricorn: This too shall pass.

Aquarius: A stitch in time saves nine.

Pisces: Call your mother.

---------

The Webmaster responds: Since it seems that Dear Jon is getting lazy at the onset of summer, it may be possible for Jon Deer to continue with his weekly horoscope. Please let Dear Jon know whether or not you would like the horoscope to continue using the form below, and he will in turn pass it along to Jon Deer. Thank you.

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