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Dear Jon Letters

Jon dispenses advice and answers your questions. Column debut.

by Dear Jon
October 29, 2000

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Dear Jon Letters_Dear Jon-Jon dispenses advice and answers your questions. Column debut. This is an advice column. If you ask me for advice, I will give it. If you do not ask me for advice, I will still give it. I am not qualified in any way, except that I have a very high regard for my own opinion.

Dear Jon:

Who should I vote for in this next election?

Signed,
Undecided in Lakeview.


Dear Undecided:

That depends. If you are an Undecided Divorced Mother of Two with a mini-van, you should vote for Al Gore because he really wants you to. If you are an Undecided Hispanic Entrepreneur, you should vote for George Bush and become part of the “How did the Republicans Get the Hispanic Vote?” story which will dominate discussions by Political analysts. If you are an Undecided Uneducated Poor Person, your vote will not matter anyway. You should stay home like you planned to do already. If you are an Undecided Pre-school teacher with a Master’s Degree in Social Work (Undecided Educated Poor Person), you are undecided between Ralph Nader and Al Gore. In that case, your head tells you not to “waste” your vote, but you know in your heart that Al Gore is a product of the same system that produced George Bush, and Nader is the only one presenting a distinguishable vision. You wonder if you should vote with your head or your heart. My advice is to vote with your hand, because it is very difficult to punch the hole with either your head or your heart. And vote for Nader. You know you want to. By the way, if that is your dilemma, register with James L. Wilson at TYVAC (Throw Your Vote Away Coalition.) He will find you a Libertarian who will vote for Harry Browne, and you can both feel good about making a real statement on the ballot this year.


Dear Jon:

There is a boy who likes me a lot and wants to start dating me, but I only like him as a friend. I am afraid that if I tell him that, he will be hurt and will not want to be my friend anymore. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Harold, Belmont Ave.


Dear Harold:

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!


Dear Jon:

I have been told by my Health Teacher in High School that I should not consult a homophobic columnist for advice: She said you are a prejudiced bigot who goes for cheap laughs, and that you are an Angry White Male and an Evangelical and a Promise Keeper. But I wrote three times to Ann Landers and she never writes back. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Needing Help in Lakeshore.

Dear Lakeshore:

Go ahead and tell me all your problems. And tell your Health Teacher to vote for Ralph Nader, like she wants to.


Dear Jon:

Are you part of the vast Right Wing Conspiracy, and are you trying to get liberals to vote for Nader as a diabolical plan to win Illinois for Bush?

Sincerely,
Hillary.


Dear Hillary:

There IS no Right Wing Conspiracy!

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