Contact Us    
82nd Sort

Boyfriend training.

by Dear Jon
September 20, 2001

Bookmark and Share

82nd Sort_Dear Jon-Boyfriend training. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Why are poached eggs called "poached?" Is this the way egg theives used to prepare their stolen eggs?


Dear Eggo,

The funniest thing happened as I read your letter. I realized I must have made promises early on in the column, that I cannot keep. I don't know what
those promises might be or how they were phrased, and I don't have time to look them up, but it seems that I had promised that I was a veritable encyclopedia of triviality. It also seems that I promised I had an opinion about absolutely everything in the whole world.

Your letter drives home the point that you have been able to imagine something to ask Dear Jon, about which I not only have no knowledge or opinion, but also not the slightest care.

As a courtesy to you for writing, I will answer your questions as follows: "I don't know," and "Probably not." Besides all this, most hens would likely consider that their eggs had been "poached" if we are serving those eggs for breakfast.


Dear Jon,

This is really addressed to your reader who attacked the musicianship of Susannah's suitor: "Why does the singer have a banjo on his knee?" Think about it... If the banjo were on his arm, then Susanah's done him harm... If it's on his shoulder, she's getting older... banjo in its case, Susannah's in his face... hold it at his elbow, and she sticks to him like Velcro. And it would change the whole tone if he were to rewrite -- "O Susannah, I don't know where you are; I come from Alabama with my acoustical guitar."

Short on content, Looong on rhyme

Dear Short, I have nothing to add.

Dear Jon,

Just so I get this straight, if there is no "Actual Letter" heading at the top, that means you made up the letter, right?

Ghost Writer

Dear Ghost,

You are correct. I do not resort to this unless the column I am submitting is shorter than the Webmaster allows. On the other hand, I had to publish the letters that had come in, which, as you can see, were the bottom of the pile.

Dear Jon,

Sometimes my boyfriend is mean to me. If he's in a hurry to get some where, he pulls my arm and it hurts. What should I do?

Sincerely, Slow Poke

Dear Slow,

By the tone of your letter, I have to assume that you are still in high school. This is because you obviously have not learned how to train males yet. A letter from a single mother in her 30's who has not learned how to train males would read like this: "Dear Jon, Why is every guy I meet a complete jerk? My 'boyfriend'(we've only been seeing each other for a month) thinks I want to do his laundry. No, I want his laundry to get done. How do I explain to him the difference?"

Anyway, the problem with teen-aged males is that they have no idea about manners. Of course, most of them are asking girls out who have learned their manners over the summer by watching scream-fest programs like Jerry Springer.

Teach him manners. The prospect is simple. No manners, no going out. The date ends when the contempt begins. Take the bus home if you have to. A guy who learns to crawl back to you, begging forgiveness, is a guy who learns his manners. Most of the time. Then there are the pathological cases
of when bullies sweet-talk their way back into the lives of girl-friends who have apple-sauce where their backbone should be, just because he needs his laundry done. I don't think an impatient kid pulling on an arm counts as that.

If you stand up for yourself to teach your boyfriend respect, and he starts to ridicule you, go home. It's over. Don't waste a lot of tears. Think of this as a lesson for him that will help him grow up. Then show him this letter!

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
82nd Sort
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)

RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article Remembering a Remarkable Bush
A Tribute to President George H. W. Bush
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/7/18
A Thousand Points of Light (Plus One)
Remembering George H. W. Bush
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/4/18
All I Want for Christmas
Confessions of a grief-stricken grinch
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/30/18
A Family Prayer for Thanksgiving
Contemplating our joys and sorrows as we gather
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/21/18
A Borderline Disorder
A prayer for our gun-crazed culture
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/16/18
Divided Loyalties
Our right to votes unites us as Americans
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/9/18
Violence in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
Protesting the synagogue shootings in Pittsburgh
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/2/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.

RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top