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82nd Sort

Boyfriend training.

by Dear Jon
September 20, 2001

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82nd Sort_Dear Jon-Boyfriend training. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Why are poached eggs called "poached?" Is this the way egg theives used to prepare their stolen eggs?

Eggo


Dear Eggo,

The funniest thing happened as I read your letter. I realized I must have made promises early on in the column, that I cannot keep. I don't know what
those promises might be or how they were phrased, and I don't have time to look them up, but it seems that I had promised that I was a veritable encyclopedia of triviality. It also seems that I promised I had an opinion about absolutely everything in the whole world.

Your letter drives home the point that you have been able to imagine something to ask Dear Jon, about which I not only have no knowledge or opinion, but also not the slightest care.

As a courtesy to you for writing, I will answer your questions as follows: "I don't know," and "Probably not." Besides all this, most hens would likely consider that their eggs had been "poached" if we are serving those eggs for breakfast.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

This is really addressed to your reader who attacked the musicianship of Susannah's suitor: "Why does the singer have a banjo on his knee?" Think about it... If the banjo were on his arm, then Susanah's done him harm... If it's on his shoulder, she's getting older... banjo in its case, Susannah's in his face... hold it at his elbow, and she sticks to him like Velcro. And it would change the whole tone if he were to rewrite -- "O Susannah, I don't know where you are; I come from Alabama with my acoustical guitar."

Sincerely,
Short on content, Looong on rhyme


Dear Short, I have nothing to add.


Dear Jon,

Just so I get this straight, if there is no "Actual Letter" heading at the top, that means you made up the letter, right?

Sincerely,
Ghost Writer


Dear Ghost,

You are correct. I do not resort to this unless the column I am submitting is shorter than the Webmaster allows. On the other hand, I had to publish the letters that had come in, which, as you can see, were the bottom of the pile.


Dear Jon,

Sometimes my boyfriend is mean to me. If he's in a hurry to get some where, he pulls my arm and it hurts. What should I do?

Sincerely, Slow Poke


Dear Slow,

By the tone of your letter, I have to assume that you are still in high school. This is because you obviously have not learned how to train males yet. A letter from a single mother in her 30's who has not learned how to train males would read like this: "Dear Jon, Why is every guy I meet a complete jerk? My 'boyfriend'(we've only been seeing each other for a month) thinks I want to do his laundry. No, I want his laundry to get done. How do I explain to him the difference?"

Anyway, the problem with teen-aged males is that they have no idea about manners. Of course, most of them are asking girls out who have learned their manners over the summer by watching scream-fest programs like Jerry Springer.

Teach him manners. The prospect is simple. No manners, no going out. The date ends when the contempt begins. Take the bus home if you have to. A guy who learns to crawl back to you, begging forgiveness, is a guy who learns his manners. Most of the time. Then there are the pathological cases
of when bullies sweet-talk their way back into the lives of girl-friends who have apple-sauce where their backbone should be, just because he needs his laundry done. I don't think an impatient kid pulling on an arm counts as that.

If you stand up for yourself to teach your boyfriend respect, and he starts to ridicule you, go home. It's over. Don't waste a lot of tears. Think of this as a lesson for him that will help him grow up. Then show him this letter!

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Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
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A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

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