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83rd Sort

Girlfriend issues.

by Dear Jon
September 25, 2001

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83rd Sort_Dear Jon-Girlfriend issues. Dear Readers,

Despite the generous terms with which the Webmaster rewards his columnists, I have found that my own lifestyle demands require me to moonlight in order to pay for my excesses, like food and electric power. So because of my second, non "Dear Jon" career, I have found that my scheduling pressure makes a "Monday" Dear Jon deadline tough to meet. So, I am shifting my column. Those of you who are locked into a "Monday/Thursday" pattern will have to adjust your lifestyle just like I am adjusting mine. From now on, look for Dear Jon on Tuesday/Friday. Starting today, in case you had not noticed.

ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

My girlfriend is a poker. She pokes me to get my attention and this annoys me. We'll be sitting on the couch, watching TV and she'll start poking me. I have told her it bothers me, so now she does it more frequently. How do I get her to stop?

Tired of being poked


Dear Being,

Have you noticed other behaviors that you find annoying? For example, when you are at dinner together, does she pick her nose and randomly flick the contents? Does she wear lace-up boots? All the time? Has she chosen to go "European" when it comes to shaving body hair and showering every day? If so, you might find her surprisingly open to the idea if you suggest breaking up with her.

If these other symptoms are not present, and you really believe that your relationship is on good footing, and if you are one of the 16 healthy people in the world, then you need to realize that her need to poke you is expressing frustration at touch-deprivation. Try holding her hand when you sit together. Hug at the end of the evening.

If you are neurotic like the rest of us, experiment with escalating. Every time she pokes you, pinch her back.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

My girlfriend never wears make-up. While I think she is attractive without it, I nevertheless wonder what she would look like with a little masscara and lipstick. I'm not talking Tammy Faye, just something to enhance her natural beauty. How do I approach her about this without making her think I find her unattractive?

Missing makeup



Dear Missing,

You can't.

There is nothing you can do about this. You can't bring it up with her, because it is 100% guarranteed to make her insecure about herself, and to therefore resent you and criticize you for all your faults, and to apologize for being ugly, and to cry.

You can't ask anyone she knows if she is allergic to make-up, you can't ask any friends of hers to make that suggestion, because they will tell your girlfriend. She will then have all the insecurities, plus she will be furious that you humiliated her.

The only thing you can possibly do is leave Dear Jons printed out in various places. If she is also an avid reader, you might bring up in casual conversation whether she thinks Dear Jon is as smart or funny as he used to be, and what has she read recently, and so on. Except now, I've spoiled it because she will be suspicious.

I just hope, for your sake, that this European attitude about make-up hasn't gone on to become other attitudes about body hair and personal hygiene and wearing boots. All the time. If it has, you might find her extraordinarily open to the idea of suspending the relationship.

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PO BOOKS BY DEAR JON
Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
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Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

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83rd Sort
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Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

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