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Top 10 Signs That Apes Have Taken Over

by Dear Jon
October 5, 2001

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86th Sort_Dear Jon-Top 10 Signs That Apes Have Taken Over ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

When do the apes rise up and take over? Is there anything we can do to prevent this?

Concerned Human

Dear Human,

Here are the Top 10 Signs That Apes Have Taken Over.

10. They star in the blockbuster summer movie hits.

9. Their hair-care fashions are adapted to the human beard by radical jihad extremists.

8. The "Government" takes away Charleton Heston's rifle.

7. George Washington gets hairier on the "new" One Dollar bill.

6. The companies "Neet" and "Nair" go out of business.

5. Banana futures return the Dow to bull markets.

4. Chimpanzees are featured in the most memorable Super Bowl commercials.

3. "Vogue" features "The Natural Woman" look, setting a new trend that women will let their body hair grow out. "Good-Housekeeping" follows in two months with "12 Hairy Turn-ons for Your Man."

2. The trend is set when Demi Moore appears nude and hairy on the cover of "Cosmopolitan" and one of its leading captions is "Go Ape in Bed."

1. Too late. Clearly apes the apes have already taken over this advice column.

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