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93rd Sort

Delusions of the engaged man.

by Dear Jon
November 6, 2001

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93rd Sort_Dear Jon-Delusions of the engaged man. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Why is France still considered an ally? Seems like those sissy, cheese-eating, wine-sippers are always bellyaching at our military involvement in anything, and constantly denying us the right to fly over their "air-space." Why didn't we just let Germany keep France after World War II?

Doesn't like France


Dear France,

True, a number of advantages would be served by turning France over to German rule. Ever since the partition of Charlamagne's Holy Roman Empire in the Ninth Century (or thereabouts)there has been nothing but grief and conflict. This just goes to show that Europeans were never skilled at drawing borders, whether in their own continent or anyone else's.

This does not mean that I would advocate for the continued Nazi occupation of France and the complicity of the Vichy regime. What should have happened was: After liberating France and meeting the Soviets half-way, we should have created a Franco-German "Super Republic" under Belgian rule, because Belgium has had bad luck whenever French and Germans have picked fights with each other.

In some ways, of course, this has happened anyway, what with the European Union. The advantage of German "partnership" in France, at least for American tourists, would have been, among other things, clean, gender-segregated flush toilets in public bathrooms.

Why are you complaining about French attitudes toward U.S. policy? France has a moral obligation to speak up. After all, their policies in Indo-China worked so much better than ours. Now, rather than committing their troops to the world's hot-spots, the French are the world's doves--except when it comes to pacifist environmentalists. The Germans would have kept France out of their war with Green Peace. Instead of using a battleship to sink The Rainbow Warrior, Germany would have used a submarine. Then no one would have known.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Deaw Jon,

I've been twying to catch a wascaly wabbit fow some time now, yet evewytime I twy to shoot him, he plugs my gun with his fingews, and it blows up on me. I have twied all kinds of twaps yet he always escapes and I usually end my hunting expeditions with sevewe bodily hawm. What should I do?

E.Fudd


Dear Fudd,

Try taking the baritone lead in a Wagnerian tragedy. And if a giant media conglomerate comes after us for copyright and trademwark violations, the Webmaster will find out where you live.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Since I am getting married soon, I will no longer have to remember/celebrate our "dating anniversary," will I?

Engaged Guy


Dear Guy,

Wow, you're a comic genius. The "no longer have to" clause sets up hilarious humor when it comes to anticipating marriage.

Many grooms-to-be have brought all kinds of delusions into their marriages.
For example:

"Once I'm married, I will NO LONGER HAVE TO be a perfect gentleman to get the goodies!"

"Once I'm married, I will NO LONGER HAVE TO do 'that.'"

"Once I'm married, I will NO LONGER HAVE TO cough up money for Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day (a new one!), birthdays, or anniversaries of all kinds, because our greatest gift is giving ourselves to each other."

"Once I'm married, I will NO LONGER HAVE TO go out on these "dates" or resort to the usual shallow courtship rituals like flowers and cards and candy."

"Once I'm married, I will NO LONGER HAVE TO stop after the second beer since we will already be at home."

I hate to break it to you, but here is how a woman's head works: If you have been romantic, she has fallen in love with a romantic. That means you either continue to be romantic, or she will be disappointed that you have "changed." If you have been thoughtful about calendar celebrations, she has fallen in love with that. If you have not been either romantic or thoughtful, she is marrying you because she is convinced that even though you are a jerk, she can change you.

So you continue to "HAVE TO" do things that build your relationship which, considering the rewards, really aren't that bad a trade. A married woman wants to feel that she continues to occupy the imagination and desire of her husband like she did when they were dating, so the husband does those things that made him charming when they were dating. Remembering that first time when she condescended to step from her tower, to "let down her hair," to "put on the glass slipper" and go out with him, is one of those charming things.

For example, I celebrate February 2, 1992, as the "first kiss" from the lady who is now my wife. Now we're coming up on the ten-year anniversary. I do not plan to do anything huge. A little get-away, a love poem, her favorite food. The great thing about marriage is that a little effort goes all the way.

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