Don't you have something better to do with your spare time?
As it turns out, not really.
Have you read that famous story about that Dutch-American guy who falls asleep in his mountain cabin and comes back to a different world?
Well let me see. This site is STILL called the Partial Observer. George W. Bush is STILL president of the USA. We STILL have troops in Iraq. Gasoline is still overpriced. The New England Patriots are STILL the dominant dynasty in football, and even Brett Favre is still playing. So if you had a point, you will need to sharpen it if you expect to stick it. (Note to self for second draft. "sharpen it if you expect it to stick". No more careless prose!)
How is this supposed to work? Do you honestly think a former following will be gullible enough to come running back to your column to pour out their hearts in search for advice, when you so abruptly up and left them for over two years, without even an e-mail?
An Upset Former Reader
How soon do you think it will be before the actual letters start coming in?
Hopefully before my next deadline.
Please do send in your actual letters looking for actual advice. If you want to get a handle on just what was done around here until late 2005, have a look at the Dear Jon letters in the archives.
Dear Jon is a slightly overweight white professional male, very married, who has opinions on everything that matters. I bring the kind of wisdom that only a beer-drinking meat-eating straight-shooting Midwestern guy can bring, with sensitivity and a droll turn of phrase. My commitment to proper and entertaining English is reflected in that my talents are strictly monolingual. Plus, I'm in touch with my feminine side, so I even know how to smile kindly and nod and mute the television when a woman needs to process her feelings. I am here to serve everyone. As a bonus, here is a "template" letter to help you, the reader, get started in writing the kind of letter Dear Jon likes to answer.
Template Letter to Dear Jon,
My eight year-old daughter bought me an ugly tie for Christmas. I really want to exchange it for a freeze-to-frost mug with the decal of my favorite hockey team. I don't want to hurt my daughter's feelings. My wife thinks I should wear the tie at least twice in the coming month, then hide it forever. But this is one ugly-butt tie. (Note for second draft: "Butt" might be pushing the envelope since it is just about as crass as saying the other thing. Replace with expletive symbols? "Ugly tie" is probably best. The PO doesn't pay by the word.) What's a guy to do?
Desperate Coyotes Fan
Thank you for writing. My advice is, listen to your wife. If you wear a tie most days outside the home, like in an office, change your tie when you get to work. If you only wear a tie to church or some other weekly social events, then be sure to call attention to your ugly tie by fixing a grin on your face and saying, "Look what my little girl bought me for Christmas." Remember, you can love your daughter and you can love the Coyotes, but the Coyotes can't love you back.
(Note for Second Draft: I picked that philosophy up from the Farrelly Brothers in that movie they made about the Red Sox. I'm not sure if I agree completely. I'm pretty sure Favre is still playing because he knows how fragile I am inside, and I think he cares. I really do. Think that one over before submitting this article. Does it really NEED that "Coyotes can't love you back" comment? And what's so wrong with wanting a freeze-frosted mug anyway? Plus, why in the sam hill are they playing hockey in Phoenix? If I hadn't written this letter myself I would probably think this guy was a twit. A hockey fan in Phoenix! Cheese Whiz!)
All right readers. I'm ready for actual questions if you are.