ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:
How about some predictions for 2008?
On the one hand I wanted my come-back column to appear on New Year's Day. On the other hand it seemed in bad form to mark my comeback with predictions. Now you have ended the suspense, in an "actual letter" no less!
Predictions for 2008
- It is difficult to imagine anything less than 19-0 for the New England Patriots. It would be an exclamation point on the season if they won the Super Bowl by 19 points.
- Brett Favre will come back to play one more year. He will win the Super Bowl with the Green Bay Packers a year from now and retire on top.
- My prayer, and I hope every true American patriot joins me, is that all the white chauvinist Nazi ##$@-heads in the USA are either dead, safely in jail, or completely wasted on meth, so that a federal election featuring a woman and a black man each having real shots at the White House, will be not be marked by violence against these candidates or their loved ones or supporters.
- As a result of the federal elections in November, approximately half of all truly patriotic Americans will be convinced that we are headed for heck in a hand-basket.
- In the Middle East, Islamic terrorists will continue to do everything they can to screw up life for their fellow citizens, with the following strategies:
• Targeting government officials, whether elected or appointed, who speak for peace, engagement and moderation.
• Targeting imams and clerics, of whatever denomination within Islam, who speak for peace, engagement, and moderation.
• Targeting Israel.
• Derailing, by any means possible, any initiatives for peace and stability that might take root in the Palestinian Authority.
• Claiming that any withdrawal of American forces from the region means a de facto victory for their insane, clueless and shameful ideologies.
- President Bush and his circle will continue to realize, now that Rumsfeld and other quacks are long gone, that the other half of Teddy Roosevelt's doctrine, "speaking softly," is a better way to meet the president's policy goals in the Middle East, than the "bring it on" bravado of 2003.
- Because of Bush's realization, he will leave office a much better president than what he became on or about September 12th, 2001.
- This realization in Bush will secure his legacy for the future. In fifteen years or so, historians of this presidency will mark the legacy of the "quiet victories" in Iraq and Afghanistan.
- Unless he and his generals revert to strutting around, and begin drawing down troop-strength as a result of political pressure rather than realities on the ground. Then look again at prediction number 5.
- Americans will win a lot of medals in the Olympics, including our basketball team.
- There will be new innovations in telecommunications technology. Meanwhile our space vehicles will rot in orbit or on the Martian ground, our vision for humanity and our pioneering spirit subsumed by our demand for digital wireless amusement.
- Russia will come around. Maybe not by 2008, but there will be hopeful signs. The Russian people are smarter than to let themselves sulk while Europe gets stronger, China gets richer and the United States continues to engage both.
- Castro will live to see 2009 as dictator in Cuba. He might be immortal.
- Chavez in Venezuela will continue to be a twit.
- The illegal immigration mess will not be solved by the current administration, nor will any of the campaign promises provide a truly workable solution.
- Economic news is usually smoke-and-mirrors. The fact is, millions of Americans will still buy and sell homes because that will be their stage in life.
- Huckabee is this year's McCain; some statements resonated enough with the public to generate a media bubble, but his campaign will fade. (McCain technically is running for President this year, but he is not this year's McCain.)
- If the Republicans were smart, they would make Condi Rice the running mate for Rudy Guliani. This will steal the thunder of Hilary and Obama simultaneously, while underscoring executive experience in matters of state.
- I don't think that will happen. I don't think the Republicans are that smart.
- The best way to guarantee that the Democrats take back the White House, is for Republicans to nominate a Mormon to lead their ticket, and hand him a white male running mate.
|PO BOOKS BY DEAR JON
Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Published July 21, 2008
Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).
Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.
A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.