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97th Sort

Dear Jon composes a hymn: 'Bomb the jihad, Yankees bomb!'

by Dear Jon
November 20, 2001

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97th Sort_Dear Jon-Dear Jon composes a hymn: 'Bomb the jihad, Yankees bomb!' ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

To help enlighten you on the question posed by "Sneezy," I believe he or she is refering to the ancient belief that when a person sneezed, his or her spirit would escape out of the nose. Saying "God bless you" was away of keeping the spirit within the sneezer. I have also heard (though I don't know if it's a scientific fact) that your heart stops momentarily when you sneeze. This and because it's considered a common curtosy, is why we say "God bless you."

Mr. Information



Dear Mr.

Whatever it is that escapes out my nose when I sneeze, it surely is not "spirit."

Thank you for the enlightenment. You may now reshelve your encyclopedia and get a life.


Dear Reader,

That was it. The whole sort for this week. So, to prevent censure or sarcasm by the Webmaster, I will muse for a few lines in order to lengthen today's column.

1. This quote by a Pakistani journalist is attributed to Osama bin Laden: "We prefer death. The United States prefers life. That is the difference between us." Very interesting. Perhaps it is my classical western imperialistic insensitive conditioning, but it also seems that this is the difference between "good" and "evil."

2. Depending on the news source, I have seen the following spelling variations: Ben Laden, ben Laden, bin Laden, Bin Laden; Al Qaeda, al Qaeda, Al Qaida, al Qaida, Alqaeda. It would help matters if we all agreed on our spelling. I propose "Dumb" and "Dumber."

3. Is there anybody who has any moral objection to the following scenario: Give time for the young jihad fanatics from Pakistan, Arabia, and Egypt, to flood Afghanistan in Osama's defense. Allow them to be the "foreigners" on the ground in Afghanistan. Then bomb the stuffing out of them from 6 miles in the air, thus achieving the deaths of thousands of jihad extremists while "liberating Afghanistan" from foreigners! No knee-jerk moral objections? Good. Because I'm tickled pink that this is exactly what has happened. Even if he had asked me for advice, which he didn't, I could not have improved on Rumsfeld's strategy.

4. I have found, as I have gotten older, an increasing preference for the turkey breast over the drumstick. I still must eat as much of the turkey skin as possible.

5. There is much to be thankful for this year. So I would like to compose a hymn, to the tune of "Harvest Home."

Bomb the jihad, Yankees bomb!
Lay them in ten thousand tombs!
Al Qaeda's strongholds caving in
lights my face up with a grin.
Some billion dollars we'll provide,
the Northern Alliance to be supplied.
Laser guided missiles come.
Bust the lines with cluster bombs!

Afghanistan's a battlefield
for Special Ops sent by Rumsfeld.
Agents for the CIA
learn to speak Urrdu today.
A bounty on Osama's head
guarantee we'll find him dead.
Come, ye chieftans of the tribe.
Trade ben Laden for a bribe.

Women of Afghanistan
burn your bhurkas, now you can!
Show some ankle, show a calf,
dare in public just to laugh.
Doctors, lawyers, teachers too,
come out, come out, Kabul needs you!
Build a new Afghanistan--
one without the Taliban!

Mercenaries? Watch them die
from six miles in the sky!
Foreign jihad warriors thought
we'd fight the way the Russians fought.
We've got lasers, we've got chips,
we've got aircraft-carrying ships.
Come, ye Yankee pilots, come,
bust the lines with cluster bombs!

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