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98th Sort

Three Top Ten Lists

by Dear Jon
November 27, 2001

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98th Sort_Dear Jon-Three Top Ten Lists Dear Readers: Sorry for the unannounced vacation away from Dear Jon. Those of you who had nothing better to do on Friday than to look for a new column, I have this to say: That's pretty sad. I was busy eating left-overs and watching football. Now that's what I call a life!

ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

With the holidays approaching, I was hoping you could help your readers decide what to do with all the fruitcakes we receive (and I'm not talking about the annoying relatives) around this time of year?

Not Nuts for Fruitcake


Dear Nuts:

This sounds like a top-ten list. I would be shocked if, after all these years, David Letterman has not treated this subject, but I solemnly vow that I have not accessed any archives and that these ideas, however stale or tasteless, are nevertheless original with me.

Top 10 Things to Do with Your Holiday Gift Fruitcake

10. Eat it.
9. Wrap it and send it to your pastor as an expression of your appreciation.
8. Store in freezer while you "eat all these other goodies." Forget about it until after Super Bowl. Discover it around Valentine's Day, see the freezer burn, say, "Isn't that a shame" and throw it away.
7. Donate it to the American Military's humanitarian food-drop effort in Afghanistan.
6. Send it to Dear Jon as an inspiration for a Top 10 List.
5. Frost it with chocolate and see what happens.
4. Refuse to open it because it "looks suspicious."
3. When the grown-ups are playing touch football, give the fruitcake to the toddlers so THEY can play with a football of their own.
2. Use it as a threat to keep kids in line: "If you don't be quiet this instant, you will have fruitcake for dessert!"
1. Invite over the ones who gave you the cake and serve it to them.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

What is hip?

Trying to be hip


Dear Hip,

This feels like another Top Ten List! But here is the bottom line: I can give you ten clues about hipness, but the biggest clue that you are not hip, is that you are "trying."

Top Ten Clues that You are Hip:

10. Girls think you're funky.
9. Cats dig you're jiggy.
8. Your funk is jiggy.
7. Your jig is funky.
6. Cats want to dress like you.
5. Cats want to talk like you.
4. Cats who are trying to be hip follow you around.
3. Cats ask you how they can be hip.
2. You can't tell them how. Hip just is. Dig it.
1. You don't know why everybody else thinks you're so cool.

Top Ten Clues that the Hip Find You Clueless

10. Girls don't think you're "funky." They think you smell "funky."
9. You ain't got a jig to dig.
8. You wear other people's clothes and you look stupid because you don't look like you.
7. You talk like other people and you sound stupid because you don't sound like you.
6. You follow people around and ask them how you can be more like them.
5. When hip cats don't tell you anything you get frustrated and feel like they are snobs who are too good to talk to you, which is true, but only because you haven't figured out yet that part of being hip is being quiet and not telling other people how to live their lives, and no hip cat is going to tell you how to live yours.
4. You take a lot more words to say what a hip person can say in only four or five.
3. You fail to comprehend the logic that whatever does not swing has no inherent meaning.
2. You are worried about what hip cats think of you.
1. Hip hears the rhythm and feels the music. If you're too busy asking questions about what to wear and what to say and when to play and how you look, you're not hearing. If you're not hearing, you're not hip.

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