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Dear Jon on shaving and marriage.

by Dear Jon
December 28, 2001

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Sort 106_Dear Jon-Dear Jon on shaving and marriage. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

If I wanted to shave off my beard, am I obligated to get my wife's permission first since it regards a major change to my appearance? Or, hypothetically, if I don't have a beard or moustache, should I get my wife's permission to grow one?

- Bearded One

Dear Bearded,
Let me put your question into perspective by changing the wording slightly:

If I wanted to (do anything at all) am I obligated to get my wife's permission first since it regards (anything at all)?


As you go on to be hypothetical, I will too. Let us suppose, hypothetically, that the car you drove to the store on Sunday is low on gas. Let us suppose, hypothetically, that your wife is taking the car to work the next morning. Let us further suppose that you did not stop for gas on the way back from the store because you had refrigerated items; let us further suppose that you offered to leave the house again to put gas in the car. Let us suppose, hypothetically, that your wife said, No, that's okay, I will do that on my way to work tomorrow.

Let us further suppose that your wife hypothetically dusted the alarm clock on Sunday night, and in the process, turned down her alarm to an inaudible level. Hypothetically, assume that you wake up first, look at the clock, and realize that your wife will have to move fast to make it to work for her meeting. So you, considerate husband that you are, say hypothetically: "Honey, is this one of those mornings when you can start late? It's already twenty to seven."

She bolts out of bed, showers, and zooms off to work.

Hypothetically, at the end of the day, she greets you by punching you in the chest. "Guess who didn't put gas in the car last night?" she hypothetically states. Hypotheticaly, she is calm and even playful, not punching you too hard, because even with putting gas in the car she still got to the meeting on time and was complimented for her presentation, but hypothetically you realize that even though disaster was averted by her own quick action and that you are therefore allowed to live, this will be burned in her memory forever. Knowing that with the next dereliction of duty you are in danger of sleeping on the couch, you hypothetically defend yourself by gently pointing out to her that you had apprised her of the gasoline situation the day before, and also, that it was you who got her out of bed in the morning.

Hypothetically, why does your wife have every logical reason in the universe to be upset with you?

Is it because you warned her the night before about the gas? No. That would not be logical. She understands that perfectly.

Is it because you woke up first and got her moving? No. That would not be logical. She understands that perfectly.

It is because YOU did not dust the alarm clock, you inconsiderate twit, and how can you expect her to think of everything like checking the volume on the clock before she goes to bed when she spends all her time cleaning up after you?

Do not, I repeat, do NOT shave your beard, grow a mustache, or get a hair-cut, without consultation first. Do NOT buy your own clothes. Do NOT deviate from the grocery list. Before you buy her any Christmas presents, be absolutely certain you have correctly interpreted her telepathic clues and hints that are SO OBVIOUS any other WOMAN on the planet would pick up on them instantly.

By the way, the only person who can look like Abraham Lincoln is Abraham Lincoln, and even he is funny-looking with a beard but no mustache. Ask your wife first, but I would be shocked if she did not want you to grow it in.


Dear Jon,

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Looking for Carmen

Dear Looking,

In the ballroom with the candlestick.


Dear Jon,

I am assuming that you will not post another sort this Tuesday, considering it's Christmas. But since Friday's sort will be the last sort of 2001, will you be giving any predictions for 2002?

Dear No Signature,

If you recall from last year, my predictions were made on January 1, when my articles were published Monday and Thursday. I switched to Tuesday and Friday, and January 1 falls on a Tuesday. So when do you think my predictions for 2002 will appear?

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