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What will happen in 2002

The annual predictions.

by Dear Jon
January 1, 2002

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What will happen in 2002_Dear Jon-The annual predictions. On January 1, 2001, the birth of the new millennium, I predicted the course of events for the year, the decade, the century, and the next thousand years. This year, the column is much more limited in scope, as it will be for a thousand years, and therefore boring, since I like to look at the big picture.

Because the forecasting will now be specific to just the one year, I decided I cannot rely on the rhythms of history to make predictions. So I attempted to engage the Partial Observer's retired astrologer, Jon Deer, to consult with me on the column.

Jon Deer: >BEEP< You are calling a cell phone that I always carry with me. Since my cell phone has caller ID, you can get the clue from this announcement that I don't want to speak to you. I cannot come to the phone right now. Please try again later, or if you must, leave a message.

Dear Jon: Hello. I'm looking for consultation for my New Year's predictions column. I thought you'd want to help. 'Bye.

Oh well. Here is my best shot, based on what I observe about human behavior:

1. In 2002, Democrats in Congress will make much hay over the deficit budgets offered by the Republican administration.

2. Millions of Americans will overcome their fear of flying.

3. This will not happen soon enough to keep some airlines from going out of business.

4. Many millions of Americans will realize they still have their jobs, and will start spending money on stuff again.

5. Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is going to realize that a zero percent lending rate, while strictly in adherence to principles both Marxist and Biblical, is not at all conducive to a capitalist socio-economic system.

6. Efforts made to broker a deal for West Bank autonomy--excuse me, my phone is ringing.

Dear Jon: Hello?

Jon Deer: I told you to stop calling me.

Dear Jon: Hey! Thanks for calling back, Kiddo! I'm in the middle of the article right now. Think you can help out?

Jon Deer: Sure. What are you predicting right now?

Dear Jon: I was about to say that extremist factions were going to derail efforts for a lasting peace between Israel and Palestine.

Jon Deer: Well DUH.

Dear Jon: Okay. Do you have anything less obvious to predict? Anything surprising and specific?

Jon Deer: I predict that Dear Jon will continue to be obnoxious, cantankerous, and belligerent.

Dear Jon: Are you looking at your star charts?

Jon Deer: Like I said, I started using those for toilet paper on September 12. I have a prediction for you. Most everything that the "Weekly World News" displays on their headlines as happening this year, such as economic melt-down, global plagues, the return of Christ, will be laughably and demonstrably proven incorrect in exactly one year from today. But no one is going to remember or care.

Dear Jon: Do you believe in ANYTHING anymore?

Jon Deer: I get my horoscopes from "The Onion."

Dear Jon: I guess I'll do this column by myself, then.

Jon Deer: Wait a minute. I believe in Canada. That's what I believe in.

Dear Jon: Should the whole world become Canadian?

Jon Deer: Sure. Canadians know how to chill. Plus, they put more alcohol in their beer. They get to live just like Americans, except they were putting naked people on t.v. twenty years ago, and nobody hates Canada.

Dear Jon: Well, some Canadians hate Canada.

Jon Deer: Whatever. I'm hanging up now.

Dear Jon: Later.

For my final prediction, although there will be a trip down memory lane on September 11, 2002, complete with foreign dignitaries and memorial services and prayers and pomp and coverage, the "War on Terrorism" will become invisible, hardly ever discussed in the media or by press conferences, just like the "War on Drugs" after Pablo Escobar was taken down.

Happy New Year.

Comments (1)

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blackadder writes:
January 2, 2002
Regarding Dear Jon's last prediction about the War on Terrorism becoming invisible, I would like to make a counter-prediction: The media will become obsessed with the War on Terrorism and attempt to make the Bush administration look like a bunch of fools for not winning the war. They will be outraged at how much money the war is costing and talk about another Vietnam.

The War on Drugs never involved the U.S. military to such a degree as to warrant use of the term war. Calling it the War on Drugs was essentially a PR campaign and journalists never got too fired up about it.

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