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Dear Jon reveals the best make-out spots.

by Dear Jon
January 4, 2002

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Sort 107_Dear Jon-Dear Jon reveals the best make-out spots. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Where is the best place to "make out" with a girl?

Hoping for the best

Dear Hoping,

The short answer is "any place she wants."

There are many make-out venues; some of them have been romanticized in movies but do not work in reality. The parked car on the cliff overlooking the city lights is a great venue, but in the movies there is only ever one car parked up there. That is a total fantasy.

The scenarios for what is "best" depends on the ages of the couple involved. I am going to assume that you only intend to make out with a girl who is of proximate age to yourself. I am also going to assume that you are referring to "necking," that activity which involves a lot of kissing and cuddling.

Girls of any age want some measure of privacy on these occasions. The Drive-in movie used to be the ideal venue for girls of all ages, or so I am told by television re-runs of "Happy Days," because of the relative privacy of the individual car. Given this advantage, I will never understand why Drive-Ins ceased to be profitable.

When you are 17, the best place to make out is always the couch in the living room after her parents have gone to bed. This situation is always complicated if she has a little brother who behaves, in her estimation, like a "brat."

Parties of high school kids in which couples are making out are not the best places, because typically these inhibitions regarding privacy are not removed unless alcohol is involved, and things can get pretty gross pretty quick. Nobody wants to keep kissing a girl who has just thrown up on her shoes.

When you are 20, the best place to make out is the dorm room. If it is her room, she has strategically planned for her roommate to appear no later than 10:30 PM. If it is your room, you have strategically bought your roommate a bus ticket to Orlando and he won't be back until Monday.

Parties of college kids are much the same as parties of high school kids.

If you are 26, each of you are sharing apartments with three other people. Of your roommates, one is out for the evening, one is in his room being very sullen and remote which is just fine with you, and one is parked for the night on the easy chair, making amiable small talk with your girl-friend in his role of sharing in the hosting of the guest. This is the roommate you want to murder.

Single 26 year-olds never get any make out time. Just marry her and get a place for yourselves.

If you are 35, the girl is your wife. After putting your three kids to bed, the best place to make out is on the living room couch. After 30 seconds you fall asleep, but at least you are in each other's arms.

If you are 47, you have spent a decade or two reading books on how to be romantic. To rekindle the spark, you try making out in your car in the garage. After bruising various parts of your body on wayward belt buckles, you realize that you had not done this as kids, either. Never leave the car running in a closed garage.

If you are 64, Viagra has created a dementia in your memory which causes you to forget that there was ever anything called "foreplay."

But I take it, from the phrasing of your question, that you are a teen-ager. Now get inside before you freeze to death. I am NOT turning off the porch light.


Dear Jon,

Why is it that when people talk about getting drunk, they always refer to wearing a lampshade on their head? I've been to many parties where people have gotten drunk and acted very stupidly, but never seen anyone put a lampshade on their head. Do people really do this? Or is this some silly saying from a bygone era?

Thinking about drinking

Dear Drinking,

The only place I have seen lamp shades on people's heads is at football games on national television. If the lamp-shade gag ever happened, it must have died during the strobe-light era. I am sure that the only people who ever wore lamp-shades were people who were 1) Male, 2) Came alone, 3) Had not found a tipsy girl with whom to make out.

I also hear rumors that people had contests in swallowing gold fish. Maybe the human race is making progress, after all.

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Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
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Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

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