All Original Jokes from Dear Jon
Another empty mail box has me looking within myself for inspiration. This is not as hard for me as it is for others. I want your letters mainly so that I know that I'm "writing to the market" the way professionals are supposed to do.
Meanwhile I have been working on some "Stand Up" material for when the Partial Observer launches "P.O'd., The Book Tour." These jokes are, as far as I know, original with me. It may be that some have lurked in my subconscious if I were up late watching Larry the Cable Guy or re-runs of George Carlin, but nothing has been stolen intentionally.
Dear Jon who?
And THAT's why I'm not selling any books!
A Jewish female in a welcoming, affirming liberal synagogue concludes that she is actually transgendered in identity and goes through the process of becoming a man. Will she have to be circumcised, or can she have that special-ordered in advance?
How long before right-wing pundits start referring to our current president's fan base as the Obama Nation?
How much of the National Stimulus package is a subsidy deal for Cialis?
This Valentine's Day I took my wife to a formal dance and dinner hosted as a charity event for a local school. The MC handed out door prizes for various things--those who had been married the longest, and those who were the most recently newly-wed. It turns out everyone in the room had been married for at least five years. So I muttered to those at my table: "Everyone married less than five years still want to spend Valentine's Day evening at HOME."
Why is it that in leap years we have to give the extra day to February? Why can't July have 32 days?
One guy I went to college with and who knows my internet persona wondered what I was doing writing a book of advice about dating, being well aware of my reputation on campus for striking out. This is the reason he has given for not buying the book. Now that's one quick wit, huh? Really quick to catch the schtick. He wouldn't know funny if a cartoon rabbit dropped an anvil on his head.
Thank you Readers! 999,953 BOOKS (remain to be) SOLD toward my goal of one million!
I'm such a cash cow for the P.O., I'm being asked for a sequel.
(...No, that's not a joke, actually....)
Poor Garry Trudeau is in a creative rut. You can tell because Doonesbury is still making "George Bush" jokes. Of course a lot of those comic strips get inked several months in advance. Maybe he was afraid Bush would get elected to a third term.
I'm turning forty next month. Thank you. Thank you very much.
I hope that I'm aging like fine wine. I don't think you get fine wine from sour grapes, which is why I try to keep a sense of humor about things.
What is MoveOn.org up to these days? Maybe they've moved on. If they haven't, I sure don't care.
A man in a suit and a long top-coat walks into a church one afternoon and says to the reverend, "I'm lost and I need help."
"You've come to the right place," the reverend replies.
"Oh really?" says the man. "Then I'll take a Jack-and-Ginger on the rocks."
(Note: I CAN'T have been the first with this one. It reads and sounds like an oldie but a goodie. But it's a joke I imagined, not a joke I remembered. Maybe I should read through my Henny Youngman book again.)
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
One, with a user's manual, in about 45 minutes, carefully following all directions.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and it will only take me a minute and a-half. What are you reading the directions for, for crying out loud? It's just a light bulb!
The electrician who was called to reroute the circuits after the short
The contractor whom the electrician insisted had to be called because the electrical fire did structural damage to the retaining wall
The three undocumented immigrants who ride in the back of the contractor's pick-up, and wear surgical masks to pull loose the dry-wall
The five men on the local Zoning Commission who have to hear the appeal that the structural renovation is only a matter of routine maintenence so the grandfathered exemptions --from the premium environmental devices that are being required in all new structures --should remain in effect
The tax accountant who promises to research the possibility of declaring deductions on the new work under possible clauses on the federal return that reward "environmentally friendly" home improvements
The roofer and his undocumented crew, whenever they show up
The tile guy with his bunch
The new dry wall guy after the first one declared bankruptcy and is thus protected from paying back your $1500 deposit
A City Desk reporter at the local paper that is turning your battle with City Hall into a "little guy versus Goliath" cause celebre, along with a photographer
The guy who serves you the subpoena for the divorce proceedings.
Moral: Never undertake a repair, even just changing a light-bulb, with your wife as a witness to your efforts. Save your do-it-yourself projects for when she is out of the house, say, shopping with friends, which ought to give you plenty of time to read the User's Manuals in secret and without shame.