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The Morning After Monday Night Football: Waiting for the World to End

by Dear Jon
October 6, 2009

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ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

if the world is going to end then why hasnt it people say it was suppose to end 2005 and 1996 but it didnt so why would it in 2021?

Dear Blank,

It won't end until 2021 because that will give movie producers enough time to make sequels to the movie 2012, which is coming to theatres in November of 2009 so that we can all have a couple of years to fret about its premise.

Besides, if the world ended before 2021, that would cut short Brett Favre's career in football. How else can he set a record for 600 consecutive starts?

Other reasons to keep the world around until 2021:

  1. It will confirm the hope held by dyslexic readers of movie advertisements everywhere. 
  1. It will prove once and for all that the ancient Mayans were just primitive superstitious savages since their calculations were off by a whole nine years, score another one for Manifest Destiny!
  1. That might be enough time to see whether this global recession will end.
  1. Kids have to wait 12 more years to use the excuse that they don't need to do their homework because the world will end anyway.
  1. All those people answering radio ads about bankruptcy this year, will have two whole years to rebuild their credit score; it's nice to die with a sense of accomplishment and net worth, and people won't be dying that way if the world ends as soon as 2012.
  1. A string of consecutive Super Bowl victories by Aaron Rodgers some time in the next twelve years will help Green Bay Packers fans live down Monday Night, October 5, 2009. Or not.
  1. Hilary Clinton still needs her shot at the presidency. Or wait, is it hell that needs to freeze over first? Or pigs flying? I won't mention anything about it happening over my dead body, since she seems quite astute at arranging such things.
  1. By 2021 archaeologists will definitely prove that the Mayans never, ever foresaw a Black President of the United States, which kind of supports reason number 2, but doesn't really, either.
  1. I will need at least that much time to finish my doctoral program. And no, my Ph.D. is not in counseling or therapy. Dear Jon is purely an uncertified quack. I may have been a little strong with that disclaimer in earlier sorts, though, considering the quantity of letters I've been receiving that ask for anything resembling real advice.
  1. Read ‘em and weep, South America: Chicago Olympics, 2024! Wait, when is the world supposed to end again?
  1. You know, if the world ended in 2012, Chicago sports fans would console themselves that the Cubs had everything it took to go all the way in 2013. God needs to stretch it out at least to 2021, so that Cubs fans get the point already. It WILL NEVER happen because it WOULD NEVER happen. Ever. 
  1. By 2021 Brett Favre will be a Chicago Bear anyway, their new franchise gun-slinging quarterback to step in after the Jay Cutler era, and all football fans north of Kenosha will be praying for the world to end.
  1. Maybe by 2021 you will also have learned some basic grammar, or will the world have to end first?

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