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Twelve Days of Christmas

by Dear Jon
December 21, 2009

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It's the holidays and Dear Jon feels a song in my heart. So let's all sing together, especially you in the Chicago area.

On the first day of Christmas my GM gave to me:

a Hall-of-Fame destined QB.

On the second day of Christmas my GM gave to me:

two low draft-picks

and a world-class rocket-armed QB.

On the third day of Christmas my GM gave to me:

three interceptions, two low draft-picks, and a mobile rocket-armed QB.

On the fourth day of Christmas my GM gave to me:

four back-field sacks, three interceptions, two low draft-picks, and an imbecile rocket-armed QB.

On the fifth day of Christmas my GM gave to me:

FIVE WINS ALL SEASON!

Four back-field sacks, three interceptions, two low draft-picks, and a dumb-@#$% block-headed QB.

All right, that's enough of that, since one thing sports fans NEVER do in Chicago is kick a man while he's down. So let's switch gears.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas, my private insurer gave to me:

6 claim denials, 5 PAST DUE WARNINGS! 4 calls to voice-mail, 3 specialist referalls, 2 computer glitches, and a proviso on preconditions.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas, the movies gave to me:

7 AVATAR sequels, 6 Invictus Nominations, 5 STARLETS in BLING! 4 Hugh Grant stammers, 3 Almost Kiddie-porn Miley Close-ups , 2 Guys after Streep, and about one flick that's actually worth watching.

On the Eighth Day of Christmas, our southern border gave to me:

8 illegals shovelling, 7 dollars to pay them (that's total, by the way), 6 angry minute-men, 5 DEPORTATION ORDERS, 4 bigoted epithets, 3 Jihadists passing themselves off as French, 2 overworked INS clerks, and a stolen identity.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas, liberals gave to me:

9 petitions signing, 8 dire warnings, 7 indies filming, 6 ways to avoid saying "Merry Christmas" (1. Happy Holidays. 2. Have a Holly Jolly Saturnalia. 3. May you be blessed with whatever blesses you. 4. Happy Western Society Common Era Calendar Renewal. 5. Be Safe. 6. Watch That Ice, and too bad it's all disappearing in the next 50 years), A FIVE -MOVIE BOX DVD SET OF MICHAEL MOORE, 4 gospels doubting, three French philosophers, 2 turtle-DOVES, and Unitarian Universalism.

 On the Tenth Day of Christmas, Tiger gave to me:

12 sincere apologies, 11 cell-phones ringing, 10 papparazis leaping, 9 ladies flirting, 8 maids a-bilking, 7 lawyers skimming, 6 gals a-laying, 5 PRENUP AGREEMENTS, 4 country villas, 3-irons, two broken hearts, and a battered SUV.

On the Eleventh day of Christmas, Fox News gave to me:

11 pundits sniping, 10 anchors yapping, 9 rumors flying, 8 Neo-cons ranting, 7 Bush cohorts denying, 6 paranoiacs implying, 5 UNCONFIRMED REPORTS, 4 angry e-mails, 3 white guys, 2 bubbly blondes, and a general sense that we must all be AFRAID of absolutely everything EXCEPT the hoax of global warming.

On the Twelfth day of Christmas my government gave to me:

12 Republicans fillibustering, 11% unemploying, 10 Commandments breaking, 9 Iranian summits, 8 Red Chinese promises, 7 climate treaties, 6 foreclosure hearings, 5 SUPER-STAR OLYMPIC LOBBYISTS, 4 bail-outs, 3 troop surges, 2 trillions deficits, and a public option killed in committee.

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PO BOOKS BY DEAR JON
Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
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Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

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