Sort 116_Dear Jon-Romantic Tips for Girls
ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:
I was looking over your columns from last year and came across your Valentine's Day Tips for Guys. Got any tips for girls this year, or do you think girls don't need any tips since we're naturally sensitive and thoughtful?
Yes, it is Valentine's Day soon, isn't it. In fact, looking at my trusty "appointments" calendar which keeps me organized and thinking ahead, I see that Valentine's Day is in two days.
I hope you don't mind if this article is very short. I have, uhm, some things I need to do.
If you, as a woman, are happily married, the chances are very good that your husband is also happily married. Valentine's Day tips for you will be different from Valentine's Day tips for an unhappily married woman, for a dating woman (all of whom are unhappy), and a woman seeking to finally date a man who does not find amusement in trying to blow out the candle on the dinner table with a belch.
Valentine's Day is simple for a happily married couple. At least, I sure hope it is. Anyway, if the wife would like to set a romantic tone for her man, it is as easy as one-two-three.
1. Light candles in the bedroom (safely away from drapes and quilts).
2. Wear the lingerie he bought you for Christmas a few years earlier, which makes you think you look like a dead Christmas tree covered at the top by a plastic garbage bag. Do not wear lingerie that you think you look cute in. Wear lingerie HE thinks you look cute in. Happily married couples realize this simple principle.
3. If you have kids, be sure they are somewhere else.
For unhappily married women, we have to get at the core problem in the marriage and then address that problem. The main reason that couples are unhappy is that they fail to relate to each other. They do not communicate in a way that creates safety and empathy. Valentine's Day is a good time for the wife to let her husband know that she appreciates his needs.
Run, don't walk, to the nearest video retail store and purchase Sports Illustrated "The Greatest Moments in Super Bowl History." Announce to your husband that you want to take a break from watching the women's free-style figure skating in the Olympics; tell him you thought reliving the Super Bowls of the past would be a lot more fun.
Remember, you are unhappily married. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, hang the success of your evening on whether or not he EVER figures out that it is Valentine's Day. Do not expect him to have remembered or have done anything.
During the Super Bowl highlights, keep plenty of popcorn and pretzels handy. After the last cathartic moment of celebration and the video screen turns blank, whisper into his ear, "Oh, I feel SO sexy right now."
After an evening like that, you will probably find him much more sensitive to your needs the next couple days. You can keep the momentum up by continuing to pay attention to his needs as well. It is funny how love works when it is combined with a little patience.
As for dating women, you might as well resign yourself that Valentine's Day is an inevitable disaster. You are correct that YOU should not have to do Anything At All. You have every right to expect your boyfriend to demonstrate to you exactly how important your favor and attention is to him. Of course, men are insensitive brutes who do not know how to demonstrate anything except blissful convulsions when Tiger sinks a long putt. So, Cinderella, you will have to make the best of it. If your boyfriend remembers to do anything, even a nervous "Happy Valentine's Day" after he checks for messages on his palm pilot, seize on that and let it be enough, just this once.
For women who are not dating but would like a date by Valentine's Day, the bad news is that it is probably too late. You can position yourself for next year, however, by participating in activities sponsored by local religious groups. Here you will find mature, responsible, sensitive single men, with jobs and all that, who are looking for a vivacious woman to pull them out of their shell. Or you could try answering the classified ads, but that has not worked well, has it? Neither has the club circuit. And have you noticed how those "singles events" sponsored by radio stations or hip-scene weekly newspapers turn out to be jokes? Sure, some people might find each other, but the fact is, those are the ladies who have already completed three marriages. The reason you have a hard time meeting people is that you have always been a wall-flower, right? So why would a beer tent sponsored by WUZT suddenly become your man-magnet?
The fact is, to find your Valentine for next year, your best bet, after religion, is night school. Then you can look forward to the Valentine's Day disaster of the dating woman.