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Couch potato seeks motivation.

by Dear Jon
February 26, 2002

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Sort 120_Dear Jon-Couch potato seeks motivation. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,
Since the beginning of 2002 I have lost the motivation to work out. I have six months left on my health club membership which cannot be canceled. Should I just go when I feel like it and not renew next year or should I force myself back into the routine. If so, what could I use as motivation to continue?
Couch Potato

Dear Potato: You have not identified your gender. Obviously motivation will be different depending on whether you are male or female. The reason that men should be motivated to work out, is that women appraise them. The reason that women should be motivated to work out is that women appraise them.

Of course when a woman appraises a man, it is with the view of determining whether she could ever in her wildest dreams imagine herself being attracted to that man. The answer, of course, 99 times out of a hundred, is NEVER, because all men are funny-looking anyway.

When a woman appraises another woman, it is with this question in mind: If I and this other women were the only two women left in the world, and Brad Pitt was the only man left in the world, would Brad Pitt choose me or this other woman? The conclusion that most women reach is that Brad Pitt would choose the other woman. This is why most women hate each other.

So, with most women hating each other, and the vast majority of men being funny-looking, how is it that the species carries on? Simple. A lot of women love babies. It is amazing what women are willing to put up with in order to have a baby.

So anyway, if you are a guy, don't flatter yourself. Go ahead and continue your exercise regimen if you want, but as far as women finding you attractive, the chances of reaching the 99th percentile are very slim.

If you are a woman, you better get to work on those thighs. You never know when the terrorists will kill everyone in the world except you, your best friend, and Brad Pitt.


Dear Jon,

I find I have a really good knack for writing titles, but not actual stories. Is there a market for this? By the way the title of your first book should be "Thus Spoke Dear Jon" or "I Don't Have Time To Look It Up."


Dear Headliner,

Drop everything about your life and get yourself to Hollywood, California as soon as possible. Having named his movie "Attack of the Clones," it is clear that George Lucas NEEDS you.

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