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What Cats Want

by Dear Jon
April 5, 2002

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Sort 130_Dear Jon-What Cats Want ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

How can you tell if your pet is gay or not?

Concerned Pet Owner


Dear Owner,

Pet Transgendered Sexuality is a heart-wrenching issue for pet owners. Of course, the remedy for sexual activity in pets is the same for all pets despite orientation: Get them fixed.

I wonder what would happen if getting fixed was reversible? We could remove all sexual organs from eleven year-old humans, and give them back on their eighteenth birthdays (twenty-first birthdays in some states). It seems to me that would solve a lot more problems than it would create. Then the eighteen year-olds would be able to order cloned organs to become the gender that they want, and no one would ever be mixed up or confused or attracted to the wrong folks, ever again.

Yes, life would be better if we removed all sexuality from teenagers and gave it back to them, made-to-order, on their eighteenth birthdays. But you are not writing about that issue. You are writing about the heart-wrenching issue of sexual confusion in unfixed pets.

Let me put it this way: Since all dogs sniff around the privates of all other dogs, it is extremely difficult to determine whether the dog is gay or just really stupid. Just because all dogs are really stupid does not mean that all dogs are gay. In fact, gay dogs are much more likely to have completed obedience school at a high level, to keep themselves well-groomed, and to win shows.

All small dogs are pan-sexual. This means they will want to have sex with anything warm blooded, including the shin of a human being. For bigger dogs, look for shampooed coats, obedience-school certificates, Best in Show ribbons on their wall, turtle-neck sweaters, Liza Minelli albums, and a business card for a therapist on Park Avenue.

Cats are more difficult to determine. They are already more intelligent than dogs, with superior grooming habits. Cats take a long time to get to like each other, unless a female is in heat. Than basically any old Tom can just show up, say, "Who luvs ya, baby?" and sire another litter. This is why, as I say, fixing your pets is the thing to do no matter what their orientation is.

Once cats like each other, they might be found sleeping in the same bed, whether they are the same sex or not. Do not be alarmed: the relationship is strictly Platonic.

One might suppose that cats are repressed sexually. It is not that so much as cats, especially females, really really value their personal space, unless they are in heat. Then they will moan and wail to shake the windows, and that is always a male-female thing.

What Cats Want is vastly different from what dogs want. Whereas dogs want to either eat everything they see or have sex with it, cats want to murder anything softer and more cuddly than they are themselves Of course, once they have gotten rid of all soft and cuddly rivals within a ten-block radius, they hiss at you when you try to pet them and basically only pay attention to you when you are eating something they wish they had ordered.

The other great ambition in the life of cats is to say warm. This is why cats and people who have cat-like personalities project nothing at all when they wear turtlenecks. Cat owners should always check the dryer before turning it on.

To determine whether a cat is gay: Check whether it sleeps on leather pillows and is a strict vegetarian.

It is tough to determine whether a parrot is gay. It is relatively easy to determine whether the parrot's owner is gay.

Fish do not know who they are or what they want in life. They just spend their whole life going to school.

All right, that last one was a groaner far beneath my standards. So I had better quit. Besides, it is cold in here so I am going to fetch my turtleneck.

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