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A Letter from Tipper.

by Dear Jon
April 26, 2002

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Sort 135_Dear Jon-A Letter from Tipper. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

What is your rule of thumb when it comes to tipping your server at a restaurant? 20%? A sliding scale, depending on the service received? Do servers who work at expensive restaurants deserve the higher tips they get?

Reluctant Tipper

Dear Tipper,

What else are you reluctant about? I am not a certified marriage counselor, but I am always willing to give anyone advice, including you and Al. My advice is, go ahead and run in Tennessee, but tell Al to back off on the presidential politics. And no kissing in public. It’s embarrassing.

Regarding servers at restaurants, I do believe that tips are earned. I tip ten percent or less to obnoxious, indifferent, or slow help. I tip 15 to 20 percent, depending on the denominations I have, for adequate service including adequate food. My tips will go higher than 20 percent if the food is good and the server is especially attentive, meaning that he or she laughs at my quips and even quips back. I tend to give more to girls than to guys. Girls who laugh at my jokes get the most money, even if the coffee is stale, the meat is raw, and they drop the tray.

So, according to the reader’s poll earlier this month, I am a “Male Chauvinist Pig” even though I give waitresses MORE money than waiters for equal work. Figure that one out!

PS, I, Dear Jon, do solemnly swear that I have never been inside a Hooters™ restaurant and that, furthermore, I have no plans to ever become a patron. It would take extraordinary circumstances, such as my wife saying “I hear they make great cheese fries, and good grief, what is the big deal about shorts and t-shirts? Why don’t we eat there?” before I would ever darken the doors. Even then, at the risk of matrimonial disharmony, I might tell my wife that, under certain conditions, shorts and t-shirts ARE big deals and I would rather eat at Perkins™. But pigs will fly before the suggestion even comes up.


Dear Jon,

How can you tell if you're stalking someone, as opposed to having a healthy interest?

Interested in someone

Dear Sted,

The answer is in your letter. If your interest is healthy, you will not be stalking someone because you will respect personal space and privacy. A stalker is someone who tries to intimidate another person into an intimate relationship.

The big difference in perspective is that men are most likely to stalk a woman either before any relationship has developed, or after the relationship has ended. Women, however, are more likely to stalk men with whom they have a relationship.

This is why, after a relationship is broken off, the woman has to tell the man, “You need to stop calling me.” The man, however, has to tell the woman, “Stop calling me all the time” when they are in the middle of a relationship.

Normally, restraining orders are issued by women who are freaking out because men they do not love are trying to intimidate them into intimacy. It is very difficult for a man to file a restraining order against a woman he wants to continue dating.

Judge: Sir, I understand you want a restraining order against your former girl-friend---

Guy: No, Your Honor, she is my current girl-friend.

Judge: Whatever, it is obvious you do not want to see her again.

Guy: Actually, I want to see her on week-end nights and occasional week-day evenings when I have run out of groceries.

Judge: So what exactly is the problem, sir?

Guy: I don’t want her within five hundred yards on Saturday or Sunday afternoons or Monday evenings during football season, or during home games for which I have major league baseball tickets, and I want the court to tell her to stop calling me at work. It’s getting me in trouble and it’s embarrassing.

Judge: Ma’am, do you have anything to say on your behalf?

Gal: (Tearfully) I can’t believe my boyfriend is doing this to me.

Judge: Ma’am, don’t cry -- wait, please, don’t-- no! ... You’re crying. What do I do now?

Guy: See what I mean? She’s crying and you’re intimidated, right?

Judge: Sir, you are in contempt. Bailiff, throw this jerk to the wolves. And give this poor lady a handkerchief or something ... Next Case!

To end this column on a gloomy note, stalking is a crime which is no laughing matter. To give you a clue, the interest you have in the Hooters™ waitress you follow home every night, because she is the first woman in eight years who smiled at you, is NOT healthy. Stop that immediately. If you ever, ever think that Dear Jon’s chauvinism is a license for creeps, you forget something. I am the kind of chauvinist pig who believes that men who stalk, intimidate, or commit violence against women, should be rehabilitated by the hollow end of a Smith&Wesson ™. Just so we’re all on the same page.

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