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How to Get a Girlfriend.

by Dear Jon
May 17, 2002

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Sort 139_Dear Jon-How to Get a Girlfriend. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

As an act of solidarity and publicity, the leader of an association of which I'm a member asked for participants for our city's Gay Pride parade a month from now. I am willing to march under our associations' banner, but I'm not gay, and don't want to be identified marching alone or with members of my own sex. I am unmarried and do not have a girlfriend. If I participate, I see three options:

1. Ask a good female friend to pose as my girlfriend for the afternoon. This may be tough, for many of them are already married or have boyfriends.
2. Hire an escort to act as my girlfriend for the afternoon.
3. Find a girlfriend in a month's time. I think the third option is best. So my question is, how does one get a girlfriend?

Sincerely,
Citizen Rick


Dear Rick,

Since the letter is already confusing enough issues, let’s bring it down to where I can relate: Guy (that is, one who is male) seeks Girl (that is, one who is not in fact a male, but is in fact, medically and technically and biologically speaking, a female) for romantic relationship.

To begin with, know what you want in a romantic female companion. You want a super-model with the brains of a rocket -scientist, the domesticity of Betty Crocker, the quiet submissiveness of a fundamentalist Muslim, the loyalty of Lassie, and the sexual appetite of Mae West, because that is what every guy wants. However, these women do not exist except in your head.

The fact is, nine out of ten women are beautiful, stunning, and sexy. To discover this you must look them in the face, rather than elsewhere, and you must listen long enough to get a flavor for their sense of humor. In one of the Laws of Nature totally ignored by Teen Sex Fantasy movies like “Porkies” and “American Pie,” the truth is women become MORE sexy the more you show them r-e-s-p-e-c-t. Aretha Franklin knows.

Women in the 90% attractiveness bracket are keenly aware of the disparity: Only one out of one hundred men are handsome (i.e., not funny-looking), charming, and sexy. You are definitely in the 99% funny-looking bracket. You must compensate by being sensitive without being weird, by respecting boundaries without being remote, by being safe without being shy.

You will find single women who want to meet men, in the following venues: Churches, coffee-houses, dance clubs, art galleries. Single women who are unaccompanied in sports bars are either avid fans, which is a plus, or desperate for men, which is a plus. If you meet a woman at church, ask if she would like to meet you for coffee some time. If you meet her in a coffee house, ask her if she would like to meet you at a gallery opening. At a Sports Bar, offer her one of two tickets to a baseball game. You should not ask her, even casually, whether she would like to accompany you at the Gay Pride Parade.

On the first date, be sensitive in a really non-threatening way that is cool. Show her, in other words, that you have it together, that you do not see the gallery opening as an extended period of foreplay because you are not, in fact, desperate for the goodies. At the end of the evening ask if you can call her. Then call her. Within 12 hours is weird. Within 24 hours is aggressive. 48 hours is about right. That gives her time to process, and gives her assurance that, even if she found you dull as a pickle and has to let you down easy, you at least found her company pleasurable enough to want to see her again. Longer than 72 hours is “What a jerk! Does he think I’ll wait around the rest of my life?”

If the second date leads to a third date and you are kissing by then, it is possible to start thinking about this person as your girlfriend. Around that time, especially if romantic physical contact has occurred, she will want to “discuss the relationship.” It is important that you be sensitive and vulnerable without being weird or making her feel pressure. This is when she will make statements about going slow, getting to know each other before getting serious, and other huge female lies. This is the first in a series of tests of loyalty. Be sure you are looking into her eyes and nodding with attentive, sensitive comprehension.

If she says: “I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend and I’m still sorting some things out,” the wrong answer is, “I’ll help you forget he ever existed.” The right answer is, “It’s not an easy time for you.”

If she says: “You’re really sweet, but I’m not sure I want to make any commitments right now,” the wrong answer is, “Great! Let’s just live for the moment, baby.” The right answer is, “Let’s take our time with this and see what happens.”

If she says: “So I think we should be free to see other people if we want, until we know whether this is right for us.” The wrong answer is, “Funny you should mention that. I was hoping to ask your sister out.” The right answer is, “Well, I know it’s early in our relationship but I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be with than you right now. I just want you to have as much space as you need to figure things out.”

The rule is, even though she has given you verbal permission to go out with other women, you must not. If you pass this test, she will want you to meet her mother and will expect to meet yours. Once the family hurdles are cleared she will begin to think of you as her boyfriend.

At this point you can raise the issue of the Gay Pride Parade, and the fact that you are part of an organization that either needs gays to win elections, or buy the clothes you sell, or whatever it is you do, so you are going to march, and would she like to come along? Personally, I wouldn’t be caught dead within a mile -- oh, never mind. And anyway, if things don’t work out, you could always scout the more convincing drag queens who will be at the parade, many of whom will be more than happy to be your girlfriend.

Yeesh.

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