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Special Star Wars Edition

by Dear Jon
May 24, 2002

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Sort 141_Dear Jon-Special Star Wars Edition ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

What should I do when the clones attack?

Afraid of clones


Dear Clones,

I am convinced that we need a war against “Clonism,” which is certain to be the scourge of the 21st Century unless we take direct and deliberate aims to stop it. Of course, this war can have no exit strategy and no reasonable means of declaring victory, because AMERICANS DON’T FIGHT WARS TO WIN! WE FIGHT THEM FOR PRINCIPLES!

In this war on Clonism, you are either for us or against us, unless you are Yasir Arafat. In that case, you are both for us and against us, because even though you are a cowardly hate-filled murdurer, you have what the Palestinian public and even their intellectuals apparently define as “credibility.” This is kind of like the credibility Hitler had in Germany in 1937. But if you clone yourself, watch out! We will be REALLY mad at you this time! Because we have PRINCIPLES!

To combat Clonism before it becomes a problem, everyone has to pitch in. This includes the European Union, the Republics Formerly Known As the Soviet Union, Israel, the Arab League, rogue states, Doctors Without Borders, Green Peace, and France. It must include a coordinated effort at all levels and branches of government in the United States. This effort must exclude the FBI offices in Phoenix and Minneapolis and any intelligence that comes from those offices, because they are just rogues who don’t really have their finger on the pulse of the enemy.

If the clones do attack, however, it is important that you as the public NOT PANIC. It is also important that you do nothing except watch televised coverage for twenty straight hours, or until the President of the United States gives you permission to go back to work, whichever comes last.

The following steps to prosecute a retaliation will be undertaken by our federal government:
  1. 1. Blame Canadian immigration officials.
  2. Deny any advance knowledge of a plan for an attack by clones.
  3. Pick a country to destroy. France is the leader in genetic engineering, however it is strategically and politically impossible to declare war on France. Iraq has purchased genetic engineering technology from the French, but it is politically impossible to declare war on Iraq because everyone in the world loves Saddam Hussein except: The U.S., Israel, and the Assyrian and Khurdish minorities within Iraq, whom he has gassed and bombed with genocidal impunity. Either the part that is “genocidal” or the part that is “impunity” gives him credibility, along with Arafat, in the eyes of Europe and the Arab world.

    Any other Arab state is politically out of the question because of our need to appease the teething masses that hate us more with each passing day of Israel’s existence. It would be impossible even if the attacking clones had “Allah Over All” stamped on their foreheads with a upi code that said, “Made in Islamabad on contract with the Sudanese and Libyan Governments.” The European Union would call that evidence “unconvincing and circumstantial,” while Arab newspapers would accuse Israeli intelligence of manufacturing the clones and the U.S. of planting evidence. This story would gain credibility, of course. This leaves Finland and Angola as the remaining alternatives.

  4. As bombs begin to fall on airports in Helzincke, galvanize world support by articulating a new “Circumference of Malevolence.” These countries are Cuba, Angola, and Singapore, because it is feared that Castro, with no qualified successor, is offering to trade cigars to Singapore for technology in order to replicate copies of himself in a factory he built in 1978 in Angola.

  5. Slap a thirty-percent tariff on all imports from the European Union in order to PROTECT AMERICAN JOBS! BECAUSE WE HAVE PRINCIPLES! Then ask the Europeans to continue to support our war on cloning.

  6. Send Colin Powell on a swing through Scandinavia to assure the Swedes, Norwegians and Danes that the U.S.A. is not seeking the extermination of Nordic civilization, but that bombing Finland is really necessary in a war against clones.

  7. Sabotage and undermine Powell’s mission with a series of conflicting statements from the Pentagon and White House spokespersons.

  8. Recall Powell in humiliation when effigies of Bush are burned during public riots in Upsala.

  9. Disavow any knowledge of clone arrests in Minneapolis two months before the attack.

  10. Disavow any knowledge that the Phoenix office had provided dates, times, troop movements and overall strategies of the Clone Attack to Washington D.C. operatives.

  11. What can Congress do? Subpoenae! Investigate! Grandstand! How dare they politicize the war effort with their second-guessing! We are a nation of PRINCIPLES!

  12. Sell pictures of the commander-in-chief at party fundraisers.


Confidential to “Solo,”

Sorry I am not running your letter during this “Special Star Wars™ Edition.” It was a bit off-color, but the big reason is that we all need to cover our butts in terms of intellectual property and copyrights. Thank you for writing, though. I liked the letter.

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