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How to Get a Degree in Rockology



by Dr. Spin
June 3, 2002

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How to Get a Degree in Rockology_Dr. Spin- Dr. Spin answers reader e-mail:

Dear Spinmeister Doctor Dude,
Whoever asked "Beetles or Stones" left out "Beech Boys" man. That's just, I don't know, wrong. But my question was about Led Zeppelin, except I forgot what it was. Whoa. Great column man!

Whoa, Surf Metal-head


Dear Surf,

Zep ROCKS! Party on, dude!


Dear Dr. Spin,
In your opinion, which do you think was the greatest of the "hair bands" of the 80s and why?

Sincerely,

Miss Frizz


Dear Miss Frizz,

Based solely on volume (of hair), that distinction would go to either Bon Jovi or Poison.


Dear Dr. Spin,

How can I become a Top 40 music star?

Sincerely, Aspiring


Dear Aspiring,

In order to become a Top 40 star today you must have the following:

A) A moderately average singing voice. This is somewhat important, though not as important as…

B) Really good dance moves. Dancing is essential to your advancement in the Top 40. Make sure you exhibit your dancing prowess in a “cutting edge” video. If you don’t know what a cutting edge video looks like, just copy any video currently in the Top 40. But to really make it as a Top 40 star, your video must display…

C) Killer abs. It does not matter if you are male or female; your body, especially your abdomen should be in peak physical form. Male performers must show their buff, hairless chests, while women must show their mid-drift in a costume that is “revealing” but not “slutty.” How do you know the difference? If mothers are objecting to their daughters dressing like you, you’ve done it right. If fathers are objecting to their daughters dressing like you, then you’ve gone too far.

Also, do not make your music distinguishable in anyway. The more you look and sound like every other band, the more the public will be confused and buy your record by mistake. Do not give into the temptation of being “creative” or “innovative” in your music, stick to what everyone else is doing, no matter how much it sounds like a banal drone.

Finally get a good PR group. The public doesn’t know what they want to listen to, that’s why we have big music corporations telling us what we like. If you got a bunch of people telling the masses you’re the next big thing, you’re IT!

So now that you know the keys to make it big, go out there and go platinum! And don’t forget to do your stomach crunches!


Dear Spin,

How can I get a degree in "Rockology?"

Sincerely, College Freshman


Dear Frosh,

The degree of Rockology is a noble, yet difficult pursuit. A truly sad part of my educational experience was watching fellow students buckle under the strain of such rigorous academics, leaving in the middle of class, never to return. However, if you truly feel the calling of a Rockology degree, the best place to start is a good school. One of the best schools for Rockology (also my alma matter) is

(Dr. Spin has run out of space for his column for today. Look for a bonus article by Dr. Spin tomorrow, 6/5/02)

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