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PC News

by Dear Jon
June 7, 2002

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Sort 145_Dear Jon-PC News ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

With all the political correctness and sensitivity issues, would someone like Fats Domino have to change his name to "Weight-Challenged" Domino?

Respectfully,
PC about FD


Dear FD,

This is really a letter for “Doctor Spin,” but I guess he was unavailable to help you. I am sure he has good reasons for making you feel that I am the only sympathetic ear you have. As for me, I have three other letters I could be answering, but I would never want you think you could not come to me. For anything. So let me see what I can do. Okay?

PC stands for many things. In addition to “politically correct” it also stands for “popular culture.” “Popular Culture” is the fodder which dotty academics at universities use to make their case that they should be the ones to run the nation like a plutocracy. This would mean, of course, tearing up the bill of rights, because citizens obviously cannot be trusted to own guns, speak their minds, or vote for the right candidate. The evidence for the need for a plutocracy run by academic elitists is the popular culture.

Were John Adams to look around, he might agree with the professors. He would point out what he wrote centuries ago, that our constitution is useful in the governance of a “religious and moral people.” For any other people, Adams wrote, our constitution is wholly inadequate. Hmm. Maybe the academics need to sweep John Adams under the carpet, too.

The evidence that John Adams is completely correct continues to mount every day in what is called “popular culture.” Popular culture is at odds with political correctness. Here is an example of how.

I don’t have time to look it up, but let us suppose for the sake of illustration that Fats Domino is the performer who made “Blueberry Hill” a hit. The song, composed 45 or so years ago, goes like this: “I found my thrills on Blueberry Hill.”

Today, in order to get out a hit record, the artist would have to be called, “Mutha-*&^@%$# Fat-*&# Dummy.” The song would be called “Blueberry Ghetto Thrill Kill.” The lyrics would go like this: “I plugged yo’ ugly-#$& mutha-@#$%%^& cop-fink hoe.”

As you can see, there is not much about that song, or this column, that is politically correct.




Dear Jon,

Is no news really good news? Or can it be bad news? Is no news news at all because it is "no news?"

Sincerely,
Nos for News


Dear News,

No news is good news when all we expect is bad news; but no news is bad news if we were expecting good news. For example, suppose there is a Vietnamese Zoo proprietor named Hang-Nu, who is waiting for the arrival of a large African game animal. Suppose that this animal, however, gored a handler on the ship, so that it was determined by the Zoo’s Board of Director’s that the dangerous animal had to be hanged for murder.

The arrival of Nu’s new gnu would be good news. The noose for the new gnu would be bad news for Nu, but good news for the handlers who knew the gnu. The worst news would be if Hang-Nu had to hang the new gnu, especially if Hang-Nu already knew the gnu he had to hanged.

Of course, given short-wave and satellite communications, all of this news becomes old news by the time the new gnu reaches Nu. “Old news” sounds like an oxymoron, but the issue is about a gnu, not an ox, that is a moron. An old noose might be good new news for Nu and the new gnu that Nu knew, because an old noose might break under the weight of the new gnu. On the other hand, a new noose is bad new news for the new gnu and Nu. The very best news for Nu and the new gnu is no noose at all.

In the event that the noose was new, the newsletter sent to the Zoo’s membership would have a headline like this:

ZOO’S NEWS: Hang-Nu Hangs New Gnu Hang-Nu Knew with New Noose.

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