Contact Us    
Sort 149

Intellectual Properties of Tomatos

by Dear Jon
June 21, 2002

Bookmark and Share

Sort 149_Dear Jon-Intellectual Properties of Tomatos ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Is it more proper to say "to-may-toh" or "to-mah-toh?" How about "po-tay-toh" or "po-tah-toh?"
Ah, let's call the whole thing off!

I. Gershwin

Dear I,

For the sake of the Partial Observer, I really hope that all of this stolen material is in the public domain. Otherwise, the Webmaster is toast. When people write letters like this using the intellectual property of George Lucas, for example, I don’t run them because all of those nasty copyright laws are still in effect.

Intellectual property is the reason why “hip” restaurants write their own birthday songs and then sing them to patrons who have birthdays. A “hip” restaurant is the kind of place that dresses their servers in golf shirts, and they have 45 minute-waits before people can even sit down, and they pretend that their Country Kitchen menus include authentic Irish food and Kangaroo meat, and they are named after a day of the week. When someone has a birthday the restaurant finds as many tuneless servers as they can to make a little choir, which sings a song written by an attorney in the corporate office, to the supreme annoyance of everyone within a two-block radius. The lyrics are chanted, not sung, with the servers clapping a vigorous beat:

“It’s a very special day and in our very special way we especially want to say Happy Birthday! Have a Kangaroo to Go from this party that we throw ‘cause we just want you to know Happy Birthday! At “O God It’s Monday” here we all like to spread good cheer so get a round of Irish beer and Happy Birthday!”

They cannot sing “Happy Birthday To You” because somebody, somewhere, wants money for it.

I had to go back to the top to read the question again. Indeed, the tomato issue is one of the more divisive in the United States, and needs to be resolved. Since I am the quintessential midwestern American, I know that the way I learned to pronounce words is the standard for correct diction. So, to put the tomato issue to rest once and for all:

Both sides of that argument are wrong. Anyone who has lived in the Missouri Basin can tell you that the CORRECT pronunciation is: tuh-may-duh and puh-tay-duh. Also, roof and hoof have the same vowel shape as book and cook, not gloom and doom. Go back and read that sentence again until you get it right.

Folks live in Missourah. Folks eat spaghedah. Folks in Missourah who head into town to eat at “O God It’s Monday” (OGIM) have spagheda with authentic Irish sauce, which is made with green tuhmayduhs.

The only quirky, irritating pronunciation that comes out of the corn-belt is adding an “r” to “wash” so that the “clothes are in the warsh.” Every time I hear that, my spine wants to twist itself into knots.

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
Sort 149
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)

RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article A Borderline Disorder
A prayer for our gun-crazed culture
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/16/18
Divided Loyalties
Our right to votes unites us as Americans
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/9/18
Violence in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
Protesting the synagogue shootings in Pittsburgh
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/2/18
Responding to Those Who Suffer
Lessons from Job when tragedy strikes
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/29/18
Grieving for a Friend
Mourning the death of Pastor Eugene Peterson
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/26/18
The Death of a Trailblazer
Remembering my neighbor Paul Allen
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/18/18
Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
The transgressions of youth and social media follow us
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/12/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.

RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top