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Dear Jon Letters: Third Sort

Our columnist continues to dispense advice without a license.

by Dear Jon
November 16, 2000

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Dear Jon Letters: Third Sort_Dear Jon-Our columnist continues to dispense advice without a license. Dear Jon Letters, Third Sort. This is an advice column. If you ask me for advice, I will give it. If you do not ask me for advice, I will still give it. I am not qualified in any way, except that I have a very high regard for my own opinion.

Dear Jon:

Please settle this question once and for all; does cracking knuckles cause arthritis?

Signed,
Gnarly in St. Charles, IL.


Dear Charles:

No. Cracking knuckles causes insanity and sterility. Or am I confusing my bad habits?

Dear Jon:

I have a 1988 Ford Mustang LTD with 139,000 miles. The problem is that after my last oil change, the clutch starts to stick when I shift into third, but only after it rains. What do you think the problem is?

Sincerely,
Befuddled Milwaukee.


Dear Milwaukee:

Your problem is that you are a sniveling whiner. You had a Ford last for 139,000 miles, and you're complaining about it? Get a life, and get me the address of your mechanic.

Dear Jon:

Please print this as a public service to your readers. Evidence has shown that people tend to believe whatever they read. Personal experience has taught me that one cannot assume that what one reads is always
true. I read in an Internet Newsletter that the conspiracy to assassinate John F. Kennedy was a hoax, and that a lone gunman was responsible. I assumed that because I was reading it, I should believe it. But when I rented the movie JFK by Oliver Stone, my eyes were opened! So do not, I repeat, do NOT believe everything you read!

Sincerely,
Gus in Austin, TX.


Dear Gus:

Thank you for this service you are rendering to my readers. I think that all of us are persuaded that Oliver Stone has been much more interested in presenting the facts in an objective visual form, with every attention to historical accuracy, whereas the shifty old Washington insiders who produced the Warren Report were in it for the sensationalism and the money. By the way, in Stone's "Born on the Fourth of July," a caption appears that says that the 1972 Political Convention in Miami, where the police came and busted up a demonstration, was for the Republican Party. Actually, it was the Democratic Party. Oops. Not that Stone has an agenda. So you are right, Gus, don't believe everything you read.

Dear Jon:

Are you aware that homophobia might actually be a symptom of bi-sexual curiosity? The more adamant the homophobic rancor, the less secure one is in their own sexual identity. I mention this because, from the "First
Sort" of Dear Jon letters, you come across as a raving bigot. This, plus the fact that you seem to exult in taking a "macho" line in your advice. You are answering letters about sports and cars, as though you want to shield
yourself from your feminine side with the trappings of masculine interest. Maybe you are denying your own true impulses?

Signed,
Suspicious in St. Louis.


Dear Louis:

You're WRONG!

Dear Jon:

This Deer season I drove up to the U.P. in my Jeep Cherokee with two of my buddies to see if we could fetch an 8-pointer. I had a .3006 with a scope and an extra box of cartridges, along with a pump-action 12 gauge
just in case a bear got in my face. Anyway, as we're sitting in the blind in 25 degrees, I notice that my 12 pack of Coors is freezing more quickly than my buddy's 12 pack of Heineken. What's the deal?

Signed,
Beer-drinking NRA Member in Madison.


Dear Beer:

That reminds me of the time out near Grantsburg when I was tooling down the road in my 1976 Chrysler Cordoba coupe, when a doe jumps right out in front of me. I slam the breaks, but I was riding bald tires and I skidded. I clipped the hind of the doe and it leaped away into the woods. Funny how you see them all over the place, except when its Deer Season! Anyway, the beer question as to do with the ratio of alcohol to water, because alcohol does not freeze as fast as water. I think you didn't read the label carefully, and you brought along your wife's beer, Coors Light.

CONFIDENTIAL to "Motorist in Kenosha:" You're an idiot.

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