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Where is Jon Deer?

by Dear Jon
August 27, 2002

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Sort 167_Dear Jon-Where is Jon Deer? ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

We have not hear from Jon Deer in quite a while. Is he still alive?

Sincerely,
Worried about Jon Deer


Dear Worried,

As you recall, Jon Deer had posted an epic poem during the first year of the Partial Observer. Flush with that success, he began to channel the spirit of the Chaldean astrologer Bel-Darius Jonas. Two things happened that discouraged Jon Deer from continuing; one of these is public information, the other has never before been revealed. The public reason is that Bel-Darius Jonas had been completely blind to any foretelling of the September 11 hi-jack attacks. This correctly caused Jon Deer to doubt the whole business of predicting the future. He began to wonder if he was simply “channeling” his own imagination.

The private reason for Jon Deer’s disappearance is that members of the editorial board at the PO discovered that another publication was publishing horoscopes with gravity, sensitivity and expertise equal to Jon Deer’s. This print publication is called “The Onion,” formerly of Madison and now based in New York. There was no sense in duplicating the mission of “The Onion’s” horoscope. So Jon Deer quit before he was fired. Unable to predict that as well, Jon Deer has disavowed the New Age Gestalt Wellness Aroma Therapy Movement and is now a staunch atheist. He last appeared in an article where I made predictions for 2002.

Jon Deer currently teaches Sexual Diversity Education to a fifth-grade Sunday School class at a Unitarian church. He does not return my calls.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Is separating the different colors of your M&M's a form of segregation?

Signed,
Concerned about M&M's rights


Dear Concerned,

M&M’s, being neither animal nor vegetable, have no rights.

The intrinsic purpose, the “telos” of an M&M, is to provide eating pleasure. You can roll them, you can flip them, you can separate them by color, you can chip them in half, you can do anything that makes the eating of M&M’s fun for you.

You, however, being a human, have lots of rights. In fact, you have more than rights, you have entitlements. Sometimes “rights” come with “responsibilities.” For example, the person who does not exercise their “right” to vote is not taking responsibility. However, the great thing about entitlement is that there is NO RESPONSIBILITY.

In our great nation, built on the blood and sweat of our immigrant ancestors, we have at last progressed to the point where “Freedom,” which once meant “Liberty” in that stuffy old constitutional language, now means “Safety” in our great new five-second spin-doctored sound-byte language. As Americans, we who once had the “right” to be “free,” now have the “entitlement” to be “safe.” Specifically, we are entitled to be safe from the consequences of our choices.

The great thing about our society right now, is that if you eat M&M’s for three meals a day and get fat, you get to sue the candy company! And why do you get to sue the candy company? Because the candy company never came out and actually SAID that 5 pounds of chocolate a day is bad for a sedentary person. They never actually SAID that the green ones do NOT count as “vegetables.” They never actually WARNED YOU by putting on the package, “Warning: The Surgeon General has confirmed that eating chocolate candy all day every day turns people into bloated zit-faced walruses.”

So buy that candy and look up that lawyer. YOU deserve it, because YOU were born in the USA.

Don’t forget, though, that the only way to protect our entitlements so we can continue to be safe, is by closing our borders to immigrants. Sure, YOUR great-grandparents were immigrants, but times were different then.

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PO BOOKS BY DEAR JON
Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
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Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

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