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In the News.

by Dear Jon
September 3, 2002

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Sort 168_Dear Jon-In the News. Dear Readers, I promised I would respond to this on Tuesday, so here it is. Despite my plea last Friday I did not receive new letters.

ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Is it the responsibility of a good citizen to keep up with the news of the day, at least to be generally aware of the major goings on about the world, near and far? What do you recommend as the best source for news?


Signed,
Painfully Aware


Dear Painful,

Yes, citizens and non-citizens, good and bad, should keep up with current events. The best news for Americans are the BBC broadcasts carried by some of our PBS affiliates. These broadcasts provide the advantage of a non-U.S. viewpoint on the world. Viewers in England should watch American news programs. France should watch Canadian news, and Canadians should watch Mexican news.

The best source of news is NOT the internet, not even forwarded e-mail messages. The papers available in the Supermarket Check-out that feature pictures of Presidents shaking hands with aliens should be read with skepticism.

Other places not to get news: Gallery openings (HEADLINE-- Religious Right Conspiracy Plans Boycott of All Art Featuring Smeared Feces), fringe party political rallies (HEADLINE-- Facscists Spend $15,000 Tax Dollars for Paint Job at Social Security Administration Building), UHF Television shows featuring End of the World prophets (HEADLINE, Peace In Europe Bad News for Christians, Great News for Spawn of Satan), faculty meetings (HEADLINE-- Reactionary Back-lash Undermines Affirmative Core Values), shock radio (HEADLINE-- Couple Does “It” at Public Fountain!).

If you have been junking yourself for news from the internet and shock radio, here is a score-card on current events.

Last summer, SHARK ATTACK EPIDEMIC! This summer, KIDNAPPING EPIDEMIC!

Look for a large number of heart-warming stories about courage and rebuilding over the next week-and-a-half.

BREAKING NEWS!!!! Mosquitos are a hassle.

Fires Destroy Lives. Droughts Destroy Lives. Floods Destroy Lives. Thin Elderly Man Shrugs Shoulders and Vows to Rebuild. Tear-Streaked Mother of Four Laments Loss of Photo Albums.

I never get it straight. Are we dealing with El Nino or El Nina this Fall?

Baseball Fans Threaten Walk-out: Strike Averted.

Small-minded And Stupid People Vow To Earn Nation Status By Strapping Bombs to their Belts and Blowing Up Buses.

Small -minded And Stupid People Vow To Protect Corrupt and Murderous National Spokesman.

World Community Rallies Around Small-minded and Stupid Leaders Because Small-minded and Stupid People Can Provide No One More Legitimate Than These Insane Criminals to Rule Them.

Rumsfeld Wants War and to Heck with the U.N..
Powell Wants Peace and to Heck with Israel.
Cheney Wants Power and to Heck with Congress.
Rice Wants Job in Second Administration.
Bush Wants Dad to Tell Him What To Do.

War On Terrorism FBI Update:
FBI Blacken Its Own Eyes
FBI Shoots Self in Both Feet.

Hundreds Held Without Trial. Courts Unhappy. ACLU Unhappy. Everyone Else Okay With It. Prisoners at Marine Base Not Treated as Lawful American Citizens. Courts Unhappy. ACLU Unhappy. Everyone Else Okay With It..
Hundreds of Taliban Prisoners of War Die in Northern Alliance Boxcars. American Public Couldn’t Care Less, Including this Writer.

NFL Play Begins for Houston, Texas and Champagne, Illinois Expansion Franchises.

Labor Days Ends Summer. Everyone Bummed Out.

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