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Sort 169

Tater Thoughts.

by Dear Jon
September 6, 2002

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Sort 169_Dear Jon-Tater Thoughts. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I just wanted to point out in your last article you said, "Are we dealing with El Nino or El Nina this Fall?" This is incorrect. We would be dealing with either El Nino or La Nina.

Senor Senor

Dear Mister Mister,

And I want to point out that it’s not my responsibility to know the difference, since in THIS country we speak ENGLISH, for crying out loud.


Dear Jon,

What is the difference between a potato, a tater, and a spud?

Mr. Potato Head

Dear Head,

While I have not had time to look up specific semantic histories, I am confident that you have only skated across the top of a much deeper issue.

A “potato” comes from everywhere except Indiana, which is host to the “potatoe” according to a former Vice President and Indiana native.

A “tater” only comes in the form of a “tot.”

A “spud” is a potato that fails to explode when you bake it in a microwave.

According to personal experience, no difference exists between “French fries” and “French-fried potatos,” both of which were unheard of in France before the introduction of McDonald’s.

“Steak fries” are actually “French fries” that the cook is too lazy to cut into thinner strips.

There are two kinds of hash browns. The first kind is cubed. When cooked properly, one side of the cube is a beautiful crisp black and the rest of the cube is golden brown. They can be eaten either with butter or ketch-up, and occasionally with cooked ground beef mixed in. The second kind of hash browns is the stringy, soggy mangle that is impossible to cook properly.

As with many other foods, I thought I hated scalloped potatos. In fact, I do not hate scalloped potatos at all. I only hate the onions that had been mixed in to the scalloped potatos. I have discovered a much wider pallet once I learned that the “onion” called for in recipes is ALWAYS, WITHOUT EXCEPTION, OPTIONAL.

It is important, no matter how one prepares potatos, to cook the potatos all the way through.


Dear Jon,

What is the best way to observe the anniversary of the September 11 tragedies?


Dear Observer,

Pray for peace.

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