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Sort 171

Getting Pickled.

by Dear Jon
September 13, 2002

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Sort 171_Dear Jon-Getting Pickled. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I'm not very good at the art of "small talk," and when I suddenly find myself in a small talk conversation, I find it very lame to talk about the weather. Any tips or entertaining topic suggestions to help out?
Thanks,

Reluctant Yakker


Dear Yakker,

Sure. Discuss existentialism. For research you can read Sort 170. It was a real hit among intelligent readers.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I see you blame us for the failure of the Philosphy/Religion forum and the forums in general, but I don't see YOUR name in the newly created forums. What's with that?

Fantana


Dear Fantana,

In case you had not noticed, I write TWO (2) columns every week. Readers of the PO get plenty of Dear Jon without me needing to hog the forums, too.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

We have pickled eggs and pickled herring but pickles, which are pickled cucumbers, are still just called "pickles." Why?

Signed,
In a pickle about pickles


Dear Pickles,

“Pickles” is a better name for a pet than “Pickled Cucumbers.” “Pickles” as a name would evoke no sentiment unless it alluded to an actual object.

I don’t know anything about pickles because I hate them.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Your last column was too deep and philosophical, so I didn't read it. May I suggest that next time you have no letters, you write a story about dogs or kitties? Everyone loves stories about dogs and kitties, and they're easier to read.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Applecrumple


Dear Umple,

Just to clarify, Sort 170’s response was to an Actual Letter. Also, it is impossible for you to know if it was “too deep and philosophical” unless you read it.

Read this, you’ll love it:

One day a drug addict, not realizing he had left often the door to his bungalow, fell into a heroine-induced coma. His two Rottweilers (whom he had trained to attack police officers) decided they would prowl their territory.

Half a block away, a young girl was climbing out of the family’s mini-van. She had just been to the pet store with her parents to pick up her new kitten, which they had purchased for her as consolation for the chemotherapy she was enduring as a result of having leukemia. She named her kitten “Pickles” and was very fond of it.

The two Rottweilers decided that a kitten would make a wonderful lunch. They lunged at the girl, hoping to tear the kitten away from the grasp. In the bloody melee that followed, the kitten was killed and the girl was critically injured, but Dad saved her life by bashing the dogs with a tire iron. The dogs later died of their injuries, which prompted the drug addict to sue the family. After a jury awarded the drug addict 6 million dollars, the case is pending appeal. Meanwhile, the family has lost their house because they cannot sustain both the girl’s traumatic medical costs and the legal fees from the lawsuit. The end.


ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I don't get "in jokes" and I don't like reading lengthy advice column responses. What should I do?

Sincerely,
don't-take-this-personally-but-I-could-barely-sit-through-your-rambling-letter-resonpce-in-fact-I-didn't-sithrough-it-because-it-seemed-to-be-long-and-pointless-and-who-are-you-to-take-offense-anyway


Dear Way,

Stop wasting my time, that’s what you should do. Is this response short enough?

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