Home
Loading
  Contact Us    
Dear Jon Letters: Fifth Sort

In this installment: how to break up with a girl.

by Dear Jon
November 27, 2000

Bookmark and Share


Dear Jon Letters: Fifth Sort_Dear Jon-In this installment: how to break up with a girl. Dear Jon Letters, Fifth Sort. This is an advice column. I give advice because it is what I do best. That doesn't mean the advice is any good.

Dear Jon: What is the best, least cruel way for a guy to break up with a girl?
Sincerely, Nice Guy in Waukegan, IL


Dear Guy: This is a very difficult question to answer. In my past, women have typically broken up with me, and very few cared about the cruelty
quotient. I have heard from some guys that they broke off serious relationships, but these have been guys whose honesty I can question. To hear the other side tell it would be much different.

I would think that women find the "friendship" speech as cruel as men do. The cruelest thing about it, is that it is a lie. Everyone knows that dating makes any post-dating friendship very wierd and uncomfortable.

The hard thing, on those rare occasions when men actually do the dumping, is that women have Cry Power. Most regular guys are utterly helpless and
hopeless when a woman is crying.

This is why men practice avoidance mechanisms. Certainly one main tactic is to Stop Calling. Another tactic is to be unresponsive to gestures of affection and expressions of feeling. Of course, these may all be construed as "cruel."

I am stumped on this one. There does not seem to be any way that a man can safely break up with a woman, because we know that honesty is about the stupidest thing we could try, because it would confirm to her our shallow motives and needs. Imagine putting into words the top three reasons why a guy wants to break up with a girl:

"I'm sorry. I was interested in your body, and now I am interested in someone else's body."

"I don't want to commit to you because there might be another woman coming along who will enthusiastically indulge my adolescent sexual fantasies."

"You're intelligent, sexy, beautiful, and kind, an educated and established professional, and I don't deserve you, but there is a college intern at the
office I can't take my eyes off of. She laughs at my jokes and then asks me to explain them; she doesn't point out factual inaccuracies. She also complimented the tie I bought last year, the tie with the colored golf balls on it that you rolled your eyes at when we were at Dillard's in February, and you said it clashed with my pants, and you sighed when I bought it anyway and said I only got it to prove to my friends that I wasn't completely whipped. So before I ask her out I want to be able to tell her that I'm not tied down."

Honesty is out of the question. By the way, if after six months of seeing this person, she is suddenly wearing boots and picking her nose at dinner, you may find her unusually receptive and accepting of your break-up speech. Trust me. Otherwise, try not calling for a month and then, if she gets through to you, let the conversation take its course. Sorry I can't be more help.

ACTUAL LETTER TO JON
Dear Jon,
In my adult lifetime, and I am old enough to be your father, a female of any age has not been referred to as a "gal" among educated males.
Signed, Rural Wisconsinite


Dear Nite,
Since you wrote, I am going to give you advice, as this is an advice column, and as I give advice whether or not any advice is sought. My advice is, you should get out more. In my adult lifetime, and apparently I'm young enough to be your son, "gals" have always been the equivalent of "guys." Not only equivalent, but equal in status, at least philosophically, because there is still, statistically speaking, inequity in pay for equal work. Not that this has anything to do with me, since I've never had a job that paid me more than peanuts, as my own Dad, a great guy, knows all too well.

(0 Comments)
Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*


Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Location:


Comments:*
Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.



Verification:
Please type the letters you see above.

  Printer-Friendly

Bookmark and Share


PO BOOKS BY DEAR JON
Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS FEED
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
EMAIL ALERTS
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
Dear Jon Letters: Fifth Sort
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
Finally
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)


RSS FEED
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article May I Be Frank, Mr. President?
Challenging a double standard in the Oval Office
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/15/17
Salvator Mundi
Not the painting but the Person
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/7/17
When the Newsman Becomes News
Lamenting yet another fallen hero
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/1/17
Let's Hear It for Moms and Pops
Celebrating Small Business Saturday in a very personal way
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/22/17
An Earthquake in La La Land
Examining what's been exposed in the rubble
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/17/17
Where is God?
Reflecting on the tragedy in a little Texas town
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/10/17
An All Saints Day Tribute
Remembering those who left us
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/3/17

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.


RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2017 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top