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Where There's Smoke...

by Dear Jon
September 20, 2002

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Sort 173_Dear Jon-Where There's Smoke... ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I was wondering if you would care to comment on the demise of "Rosie" magazine?

Rosy no more

Dear Rosy,

No, I would not.


Dear Jon,

How come we don't see cigarette commercials on TV? I see plenty of anti-tobacco ads; shouldn't tobacco companies be allowed to advertise their side? What happened to the first amendment??

Wants to watch Smoke

Dear Smoke,

Boy, are YOU a jerk. Let me fill you in on some things that EVERYBODY knows.

Top Ten Assumptions Regarding Constitution and Culture:
  1. Everybody knows that “equal time,” even if not explicitly stated in the U.S. Constitution, was intended by the framers, and even if it was not, it is certainly necessary in these times.

  2. Everybody knows that the Two-Party Hegemony that exists in U.S. politics, even if not explicitly stated in the U.S. Constitution, was intended by the framers, and even if it was not, it is certainly necessary in these times.

  3. After all, what else could possibly be meant by “balance of powers” other than a balance between Americans who vote Republican and Americans who vote Democrat?

  4. “Freedom of Speech,” as EVERYBODY knows, applies to FORCING private media enterprises to give “equal time” to Republican and Democrat candidates during election campaigns.

  5. “Freedom of Speech” in terms of equal time, does NOT apply to so called “third” or, more appropriately, “lunatic fringe parties,” who are practically never invited to the media-arbited “debates” which, as everyone knows, were never intended to be debates at all.

  6. “Freedom of Speech,” you naive twit, has a “literal” meaning which you seem to take seriously, but its INTENDED meaning can be interpreted by executive order and non-elected judges to preserve the peace and security of these blessed United States and the governing bodies thereof.

  7. It has been determined that “freedom of speech” does not apply to private tobacco corporations purchasing advertising space from private media outlets, because tobacco is a Public Health Issue. Neither does the principle of “equal time.” Everybody knows that, including practically every Republican and Democrat you talk to, which means that our balance of powers has not gotten in the way of sensible policy.

  8. Besides, these tobacco companies are subsidized by state and federal government, so it is not like they even NEED to sell their products to the American public. The Chinese public is a fine market, and they can buy all the advertising space in China that they want.

  9. There is absolutely no contradiction between the federal government preventing tobacco ads on television, and the federal government paying farmers in Kentucky and North Carolina to grow tobacco. Everybody can live with that because it makes perfect sense, except you because you’re a dork.

  10. Thank God for beer and coffee commercials, and ads that sell “perscription strength” pain killers and sleep aides, or none of us would have any idea where to get the buzzes we need.

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