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Sort 175

Girl's Best Friend.

by Dear Jon
October 1, 2002

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Sort 175_Dear Jon-Girl's Best Friend. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

How did diamonds become such a precious stone, and are they really a girl's best friend?

Not Diamond Jim

Dear Jim,

In a game where the attitude of gentlemen is that they prefer blondes, it is appropriate for girls blonde or otherwise to declare that diamonds are their best friend. What is meant by “friend,” of course, is that diamonds provide financial security, freedom from want, independence and glamor. However, diamonds are also strong, silent, cold, and unfeeling, making them dull companions.

A girl’s best friend is someone who can do three things at once: listen, cry, and hug, all for an hour straight, and then can talk, cry, and hug, for the next hour straight. A girl’s best friend instantly becomes the worst enemy of whomever it is that is being a jerk in the girl’s life. A girl’s best friend escalates the chocolate factor when no competitors (non best-friend girls) and no males are around. A girl’s best friend always goes with her to the public restroom. It follows, therefore, that a girl’s best friend must inevitably be another girl.

Girls often make friends of boys, which I know for a fact because of the number of girls who gave me the “We can just be friends” speech between Junior High and College. Frequently, girls make friends of boys their own age when one of two things happens: Either there are no other girls around, or, the other girls have “cliqued” themselves.

Boys are frequently receptive to having girls for friends; they just don’t want to have girls in their batting order. When girls have boys for friends, they spend a lot of time sitting quietly while the boys toss footballs, wrestle, and do stupid stuff. They end up watching a lot of movies that involve mud, blood, fire, and noise, and end up becoming experts on the rules of football, March Madness, and Major League management fiascos. Boys are profoundly appreciative of girls who give them attention and let them do what they do without making them feel childish. But the girl is usually lonely for another girl to be a soul-mate.

When I go shopping for clothes I am usually by myself. I notice that other men are usually by themselves. I also notice that most females are in pairs at least. Sometimes they prowl through malls in packs.

I am not bothering to look this up because I have it on the authority of my memory that diamonds are crystals which had once been coal millions of years earlier, which had once been the flesh of a living creature millions of years before that. Biocarbons are compressed into these minerals through pressure. So if someone calls you a “diamond in the rough,” which certain patronizing females have said to me on the occasion of the “friends” speech, they are right. You can return the compliment by saying, “And you’d make a fine lump of coal yourself.”

I wonder if this is why gall stones and kidney stones form. Does a life filled with stress cause the body to produce its own diamonds? If so, why aren’t these put on the market as precious gems? After all, you know what a pearl is. A pearl is what happens when an oyster grows a bunion around a grain of sand. We hang these around our necks, for crying out loud. I guess it makes a difference that the pearl comes from an oyster instead of a human being.

The pearl business must have grown out of primitive societies when the value was to use absolutely everything nature provided. So, the oyster was eaten, the shells were tied together and worn for the protection of particularly vulnerable areas, and nobody knew what to do with the pearl until one oyster harvester ran a string through them and gave them to a young woman he liked. She was the kind of young woman who was impressed by brightly painted canoes and by hunters of wild boar, and since his canoe was a plain old dug-out his Dad had bought used, and since he was not strong enough to hunt wild boar, the young man knew he had to do something unique and impressive. When he was finished tying the pearls together, he presented them to the young woman. “I spent a year making this just for you,” he said.

“How romantic,” she said, “Oyster bunions on a string. It makes me want to tie them around my neck.” What she meant was that she would rather choke than be seen walking around with oyster bunions given to her by a LOSER, but he took it as an invitation and tied them around her neck in a knot she couldn’t reach. She tried to sneak back into the village unseen, but in her haste blundered right into the middle of all the village’s women because they had all left the village together to use the bathroom. When the women saw the necklace around this beautiful young woman, they became instantly jealous. All the women came to the same conclusions that oyster bunions were “in,” and that their husbands or boyfriends were all clueless, insensitive jerks for not picking up on the new fashion.

So the young woman married the young man, and together they began a very lucrative trade in making pearl necklaces for the women of the village. It was the young woman who developed the innovation of dropping grains of sand inside live oysters in order to speed up the process of bunion production and pearl discovery. Nobody every picketed them for cruelty to animals because this was thousands of years ago, and everybody lived happily ever after, except for men, who on top of everything else women expected of them now had to buy pearls for their wives: earrings, nose-rings and bracelets to match the necklace. Every year the men of the village found more and more pearls for sale, and every year the men of the village found the the prices on those pearls going higher.

How the diamond industry got started I cannot fathom. Probably someone mining salt bit into a diamond crystal, broke his tooth, and decided that the love of his life would like to wear the inedible rock on her finger. What I want to know is why, when diamonds serve no purpose except as luxury, so that the value on diamonds are subjective, why is cubic zirconium considered tacky? If diamonds serve no other useful purpse, and cubic zirconium looks exactly the same, what difference does it make?

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