Contact Us    
Dear Jon: Special Thanksgiving Edition

Turkey Cooking 101 for bachelors

by Dear Jon
November 23, 2000

Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon: Special Thanksgiving Edition_Dear Jon-Turkey Cooking 101 for bachelors Dear Jon: As a bachelor I am hosting my first Thanksgiving, because I got tired of other people feeling sorry for me. So I'm trying to roast my 22 lb turkey. When I pulled it out of the freezer at 1 PM today, the directions said it would take three days to thaw, and then an additional 7 hours to cook at 325 degrees. Basically, I need to have it cooked in 90 minutes, because my nephews have eaten all the Party Mix, my pregnant sister is lying on my futon in a hunger faint, and the Cowboys game is in the third quarter. What should I do? Sincerely, Turkey Chef.

Dear Turkey Chef: Let me guess, the know-it-all I-can-do-this-myself macho man was too embarrassed to ask his mother, right? Well, just between us guys, here is how you can survive the day: Preheat the oven at 475 degrees. Take a chainsaw, cut the turkey into several portions, and spread them out over the oven rack. Set your timer to 90 minutes. Then order a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, because YOU, friend, are hosed.

Dear Jon: In my adult lifetime, and I am old enough to be your father, a female of any age has not been referred to as a "gal" among educated males.
Signed, Rural Wisconsinite

Dear Nite: Since you wrote, I am going to give you advice, as this is an advice column, and as I give advice whether or not any advice is sought. My advice is, you should get out more. In my adult lifetime, and apparently I'm young enough to be your son, "gals" have always been the equivalent of "guys." Not only
equivalent, but equal in status, at least philosophically, because there is still, statistically speaking, inequity in pay for equal work. Not that this has anything to do with me, since I've never had a job that paid me more than peanuts, as my own Dad, a great guy, knows all too well.

Dear Jon: Is it true, what the Webmaster said, that you lose letters and don't know how to post on-line? Sincerely, A Fan in Doubt

Dear Fan: Lies! Slander! Egregious exaggeration! This is just a plot for technogeeks to make us all dependent on their little rules and sub-routines. But I can prove that I am equal with the webmaster. Check this next letter out!

Dear Jon: I am having trouble with my abacus beads. They seem to be sticking. I wanted to ask the Webmaster first, but when I read HIS column, it was all merely meaningless technobabble. I knew that YOU could solve a problem rooted in real life! What should I do? Sincerely, Math Whiz

Dear Whiz: I would suggest wiping off any dust from the abacus wires with a cotton cloth. If there is still some sticking, try lubricating with the same oil you use on your bike chain. Let me know if this helps. I am HERE for YOU.

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
Dear Jon:  Special Thanksgiving Edition
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)

RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article Remembering a Remarkable Bush
A Tribute to President George H. W. Bush
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/7/18
A Thousand Points of Light (Plus One)
Remembering George H. W. Bush
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/4/18
All I Want for Christmas
Confessions of a grief-stricken grinch
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/30/18
A Family Prayer for Thanksgiving
Contemplating our joys and sorrows as we gather
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/21/18
A Borderline Disorder
A prayer for our gun-crazed culture
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/16/18
Divided Loyalties
Our right to votes unites us as Americans
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/9/18
Violence in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
Protesting the synagogue shootings in Pittsburgh
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/2/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.

RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top