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Breaking In to T.V.

by Dear Jon
October 4, 2002

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Sort 176_Dear Jon-Breaking In to T.V. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

On your comments about diamonds, diamonds can cut glass, and I believe were used for the needle on turntables (or as some of the older folks call them, "record players"). Therefore diamonds are not completely worthless, as they are one of the hardest substances in the earth. Also, I've heard that there is now a company that, after death, will cremate you, take your carbon particles and form a diamond from your remains. See, you truly were a "diamond in the rough!" What do you think of that?

Diamond Guy

Dear Guy,

Please have your crystallized remains sent to my address. The needle for my phonograph is wearing out and replacement parts are hard to find.


Dear Jon,

Is it true that if you eat Pop Rocks (c) and drink soda, your stomach will explode?

Concerned Consumer

Dear Concerned,

Nothing that Gas-X™ won’t diffuse.


Dear Jon,

How do I become the host of a late night talk show?


Dear Heere,

The process works something like this: Send a post-card to a Disney or General Electric executive. List your age, height, and weight, and a two sentence proposal on your goals. It should read something like this:

To the Corporate Giant This May Concern,

My name is Dear Jon. I am 6 feet tall, 190 pounds, in my mid-30’s. I envision hosting a television show late at night in which I interview stars from the world of entertainment. We will also have comedic bits featuring sumo wrestlers with tattooed messages on their butts, or models in thong bikinis handing out prizes in audience trivia games. My goal is to be more interesting than the schmucks that are currently on the air. Sincerely, Dear Jon.

When they call you in, be sure to wear a tie to the interview and address the corporate giant with respect. I would be shocked if they did not agree to film a pilot episode. After all, this is how it works to become a columnist on the Partial Observer.

Other ways to break into the television world:

To the Corporate Giant This May Concern,

I want to get married. Please arrange for twenty-five models to compete to become my bride. Since I will sexually sample them in the public view of millions, I am positive this will be a ratings boost to your network.

To the Corporate Giant This May Concern,

I have a terrible phobia of being doused in gasoline and set on fire. I am willing to have this done to me on camera for $10,000.

To the Corporate Giant This May Concern,

I have a new idea for a situation comedy. A white guy and his white wife have three white kids. And then, see, the oldest kid is a teenager, see, and the white guy and his white wife can’t agree on where to set the boundaries, see, and so the house is full of bickering and verbal cheap shots. Isn’t that hilarious?

To the Corporate Giant This May Concern,

You have placed cameras in court rooms, you have spied on adulterers, you have set people against each other in brutal competition and forced people to face their worst fears. Whole hours of programming a week are dedicated to watching film of crimes in progress by surveillance cameras. So, finally, the show to end all shows, the ratings clean-up of the 21st Century:

Thrill Kill.

In this competition, viewers vote on which contestant murdered their victim in the most imaginative way. Points are scored for the revenge factor: “Up next, a sixth grade teacher gets even with her principal.” Literary illusion: “How do I escape this pendulum?” Psychological torture: “How do I escape this pendulum?” Irony: “Having escaped the pendulum the rats will kill me.” Serial consistency: “All three victims were females in their twenties with brown hair.” Visual allusion: “Obviously this murderer has seen the “Hannibal” trilogy.” Winners receive defense counsel by Johnny Cochrane and Alex Dershowitz paid for by the network. Losers receive a public defender and are executed by electric chair in the last five minutes of the program, satisfying the viewer demand for justice and happy endings.

Sincerely Looking for Work,
Orenthal S.

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