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Sort 177

Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

by Dear Jon
October 8, 2002

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Sort 177_Dear Jon-Between Iraq and a Hard Place. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I like movies, but not foreign films. It's not that I don't like the films themselves, it's just that I'm very lazy and hate reading subtitles. And dubbing just looks too fake. Why can't all films be made in English? Shouldn't there be some sort of law?

Foreign Film Snob

Dear Snob,

Be careful what you wish for, Congress just might grant it.


Dear Jon,

How do I keep my white gym shoes white?

Billy Johnson

Dear Johnson,

I do not divulge ancient Chinese secrets.


Dear Jon,

Your answer to your first letter in Sort 176 (Diamond Guy) was truly one of your best. An efficient masterpiece of crystal-clear wit!

10-4, Good buddy,
Casey White

I do my best. I don’t normally print fan mail but I needed the pick-up today.


Dear Jon,

If Osama Bin Laden is Saudi Arabian, as are the majority of his followers, how come we're trying to go to war with Iraq. As far as I can see, not one member of Al-Quadi is Iraqi. I thought the "War on Terrorism" was against "those who harbor" terrorists, which doesn't seem to be Iraq. Please explain.

Confused on our Tactics

Dear Tact,

You obviously have not been listening to our President, Vice-President, or Secretary of Defense. You have been listening instead to the unpatriotic and misinformed ground intelligence operatives from the CIA. If you were listening to the President, you would know that at least one member of Al Qaeda ha been known to be in Iraq once for a day. It’s true that this is up in the northern part where Hussein cannot fly planes without them getting shot down, but still, Iraq is a Iraq which means we should bomb the Presidential palaces to smithereens.

This is all part of a global strategy to defeat the “Axis of Evil” while it is still evil. This means, of course, North Korea which South Korea does NOT want to fight, Iran which has moved to moderation since the hysterical years of the Ayatollah, and Iraq, which used to be an ally of the United States back when Iran was under the rule of the Ayatollah.

What this global strategy means is: Continue to give China Most Favored Nation trading status, wait for Fidel Castro to die peacefully, and completely ignore Africa’s interior, where Islamic governments have been waging wars of starvation genocide on their Christian populations for at least a decade. It also means that, despite his support of the Al-Stupid Palestinian Homicide Bomb Brigade which are a daily terror threat to Israel’s peace and security, Yassir Arafat must be propped up in power and Israel must “show restraint.”

In this global strategy, Saudi Arabia MUST remain an ally. This means that we give them money, of course, in order to keep the House of Saud in power. We have rules about giving money to American institutions: Congress shall pass no law establishing a religion. No such rules govern how we give our money away to other nations. Saudi Arabia builds mosque schools with government money, and then pays Jihadist clerics with government money, who instruct their pupils in anti-American, anti-Western, anti-Civilization vehemence, murder, bigotry and barbarism. The result is that 15 of 19 hi-jackers on 9-11 were Saudi Arabian. Americans give the Saudi government money, the Saudi government gives money to build schools to spread hatred against Americans.

Why do we need them as an ally? Because without Saudi Arabia, we have a harder time invading Iraq, silly! You are not confused, just naive.

By the way, all of this has everything to do with the noble cause of a war on terror, and nothing to do with two oil men in the White House seeking to imperialize foreign economies, so do not even allow that thought to cross your mind.

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