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Presidential Material.

by Dear Jon
June 3, 2003

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Sort 220_Dear Jon-Presidential Material. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

When facing a 7-10 split, what is it best to aim for to pick up the spare?

Bowling for Dollars

Dear Dollars,

A person should bowl to the opposite pin of the bowling arm. A right-handed bowler should aim at the 7-pin on the left corner of the alley. IF the ball strikes the pin from the outside edge and IF the ball has a backward spin, hopefully it sends the pin careening across the alley to pick up the split. I do not know that I have ever seen it happen. I know I have never made it happen.


Dear Jon,

Can anyone become President of the United States still? How does the "Average Joe" become President?

Joe Average

Dear Average,

A stupid person will say that only a very rich person can be elected President by getting more votes than anyone else. If this is what you think, you are stupid. You are the reason why things are the way they are right now. But help is around the corner. It is called “The Constitution of the United States,” and it is available for you to read.

According to the Constitution, the Average Joe needs to have been born in the USA, be at least 35 years old, and pick up a majority of the votes from the electoral college. State representation in the electoral college is usually determined by the number of representatives the state sends to congress, which is determined by a taking of census.

My understanding is that each state can govern the way it appoints its electoral college and conducts its relationship to the national election. However, from state to state their is a lot of similarity, so that the person voting in Tennessee one election will anticipate a similar voting experience in Montana in the next election. For example, as far as I know, all states award their electoral votes by block. In other words, if one candidate defeats a runner-up by ten votes in California, that candidate wins the entire state of California. Candidates usually win a simple majority in any states from which they obtain their electoral votes. However, it is possible to carry some states by enormous margins, as Al Gore carried Illinois, and lose other states by slim margins, as Gore lost Florida, and thus have more votes nationwide than the winner of the election, which happened in 2000.

The question turns then on whether an “Average Joe” can get elected president. A person born in “Average Joe” circumstances certainly can. Remember, though, that it helps if the Average Joe has been a successful general, governor, or senator, because Americans like to elect people with experience. Ergo, the Average Joe should get involved in politics at a young age in order to develop the networks politically and financially to be a viable candidate. Or, the Average Joe should pursue a successful military career. By the time the Average Joe is ready to run for President, in other words, Average Joe is no longer Average in terms of being typical of the vast majority of American experience.

Here are some reasons why “average” American experience does not prepare presidential material:
  1. People who run for president generally have more ambition than to get off work at 5, get tipsy during Happy Hour, then take the train home to an evening of frozen dinners and computer games before the routine is repeated.
  2. You are not presidential material if your main reason for becoming president is to leverage your influence so that the Bosox finally win a pennant.
  3. If you cannot locate China within a hemisphere of accuracy, please do not run for president, even if you can pick up a 7-10 split.
  4. The Average Joe secretly thinks how cool it would be to have a finger on “the button.” They imagine all kinds of solutions to the wars on terror and drugs, solutions they have learned by watching movies starring Bruce Willis or Arnold Schwarzenegger, solutions which, were any president actually to suggest or implement them, would horrify the Average Joe. The reason presidential candidates are pulled from governerships and the senate are that they have been sorted through the political process that has mostly removed the armegeddonists and xenophobic maniacs.
  5. Average Joes want tax dollars only spent in their own district. Presidents have to think nationally when it comes to pork.
  6. Male Presidents, like rock stars, attract bimbos. The “bimbo factor” is a compelling reason for many Average Joes to stay at home with the wife and family they love and not ever seriously contemplate running for the oval office.
  7. Regarding the bimbo factor, people who think Clinton’s behavior was atypical are stupid. The Average Joe understands perfectly what was happening, even if it is impolite to talk about. People who think Hilary was not aware of the bimbo factor are stupid. If Hilary was not aware of the bimbo factor, she is stupid.
  8. Average Josephines can become President, but such presidents would not be average presidents. We have women governors and senators now, so it is only a matter of time. The bimbo factor does not figure in as much with powerful women. This is one of the mysterious differences between men and women, having to do with the location of self-esteem. Men locate their self-esteem in their pants, women locate their self-esteem according to the number of pairs of shoes they own. The point, however, is that an average woman will never be elected president. She will have to have been a governor, senator, or general, first. Condi Rice, a black female Republican with national security experience, should start being groomed for 2008. She already has the shoes. Condi Rice for President would be the worst nightmare the Democrats could imagine.
  9. Average Joes day-dream about using the FBI to dig up dirt on their junior high school vice-principal who was always in their face and on their case.
  10. Average Joes don’t day-dream about dressing up in tuxedos in order to spend an evening talking to the President of Botswana through a translator while they are served sheep-liver dipped in wine with rice and a garnish of parsely and a mixed fruit sorbet for dessert. Average Joes want to spend their evening with a girl they like, a bag of microwave popcorn and a re-run marathon of “Friends.”

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