Home
Loading
  Contact Us    
Special New Year's Day Sort

Dear Jon’s Predictions for the Third Millennium

by Dear Jon
January 1, 2001

Bookmark and Share


Special New Year's Day Sort_Dear Jon-Dear Jon’s Predictions for the Third Millennium Dear Jon: Why did you post this article so late on January 1? I logged in at 7 this morning to start my century off right with your article. Where is it? Didn’t you make a promise last Thursday? Sincerely, Miffed

Dear Miffed: Get a life, and would you quiet down, please?


Dear Jon: What credentials do you bring to making predictions for what life will be like one thousand years from now? Sincerely, Another Skeptic

Dear Tic: I do not read palms, zodiacs, or crystal balls. I do not see visions of angels or virgins. I do, however, have an uncanny knack for predicting outcomes by combining two traits; an enthusiasm for history is the first, which informs the second, an unfailing pessimism. So far I have applied these gifts to predicting the outcomes of football games involving my favorite teams. I am now branching out.


Dear Jon: In addition to all your other neurotic foibles, you are not one of those Armageddonist freaks who stocked up on Y2K supplies, are you? Sincerely, The JO2Ke’s on You.

Dear You: I did not buy oil drums full of dehydrated food, if that is what you are asking. But tell me this, has anyone come up with good explanations as to why air travel was such a mess during the Year 2000? And NASDAQ companies lost 3 Trillion dollars in 2000. Y2K might not have seen Armageddon, but I’ll bet there are some garage dot.com start-up employees who wish they had a kerosene stove and an oil drum full of food right now. Or an oil drum full of oil, for that matter. Remember what happened to petroleum prices in the Year 2000?


Dear Jon: You are being distracted from your purpose. Where are the predictions for the next thousand years, the next century, and the next decade? Sincerely, Impatient

Dear Pat: You are correct. Without further stalling, here are my predictions:

1. In the year 2001, George W. Bush will become President of the United States.
2. Within the next ten years, George W. Bush will not be President of the United States.
3. Within the next hundred years, George W. Bush will die.
4. Within the next thousand years, George W. Bush will be forgotten.

5. In 2001, many people will lose their shirts trading in the stock market.
6. Within the next ten years, many people will retire into some measure of comfort, because they had invested patiently in the stock market in long-term mutual funds.
7. Within the next hundred years, a new market will redefine the economy.
8. Within the next thousand years, Wall Street will be forgotten.

9. In 2001, there will be terrorism, vandalism, arson, and random murder.
10. Within ten years, Scientists will discover that something we all take for granted is actually killing us, like, computer monitor radiation, for example.
11. In the next century, 6 BILLION People will DIE!
12. A thousand years from now, house builders will accidentally dig up many of our cemeteries.

13. In 2001, we will hear Strauss’s “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” so often we will want to kick in our televisions.
14. Within ten years, someone will propose a reasonable plan to land a human being on Mars. Congress will kill this plan.
15. In the next century, DNA development microprocessor development will merge into a new technology.
16. A thousand years from now, the things that are the subject of ethical debate today will not be debated any more.

17. In 2001, Bush will use force in some hot spot to assert America’s power.
18. Within ten years, the loss of American troops in an engagement non-vital to American interests will renew America’s isolationist fervor.
19. In the next century, American ground forces will be involved in a long and protracted ground war against a stubborn opponent, and the U.S. mainland will be struck by weapons launched off-shore. In the wake of this conflict, a new spate of rivals will compete with America’s hegemony over the globe.
20. A thousand years from now, The United States of America will not exist anymore. People will tour the Mountain of Faces and the memorials on Washington mall, just as we tour the Coliseum, the Parthenon and the Great Pyramids.

21. In 2001, courts across the land will continue to expand the precedents that are eroding 1st Amendment freedoms of speech, assembly, and religion.
22. The term “post-Christian” will be applied to the United States as it has been applied to western Europe.
23. In the next century, missionaries for Jesus Christ will come to the U.S. from Korea, the Sudan, Kenya, South Africa, India, Mexico, and Central and South America. They will come in such numbers that Presidents will issue executive orders, and Congress will pass laws, limiting the issue of entry and resident visas to proselytizing members of religious organizations.
24. A thousand years from now, the United States won’t be around anymore, but the Church will continue to thrive all around the world.

25. In 2001, court television will continue to erode community, civility, and responsibility in the U.S.
26. In the next decade, internet recruitment of children will swell the ranks of hate-groups, while wonks and pundits and moralists wonder why there is such appeal. They will propose limiting first amendment freedoms, and throwing money down the drains of special public school tolerance workshops.
27. In the next century, the worst acts of terrorism in U.S. borders will be performed by home-grown white-bigot groups, which has always been the case.
28. A thousand years from now, people will continue to hate people who are different from themselves, but all the categories will have changed.

29. In 2001, educators are going to go out of their way to provide excuses for student failure, so that the lowering of expectations among those already disadvantaged will cement their pattern of low-performance, thereby assuring the suburban aristocracy of their continued privileges.
30. In the next ten years, efforts to bring reason to America’s delivery and accessibility of health-care, will fail due to the public relations efforts and PAC money of health maintenance organizations.
31. In the next century, the complacency of wealth in the propertied classes will prevent the restoration of constitutional order, civic duty and personal responsibility.
32. In a thousand years, historians will write books entitled, “The Rise and Fall of Western Civilization.”

(0 Comments)
Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*


Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Location:


Comments:*
Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.



Verification:
Please type the letters you see above.

  Printer-Friendly

Bookmark and Share


PO BOOKS BY DEAR JON
Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS FEED
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
EMAIL ALERTS
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
Special New Year's Day Sort
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
Finally
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)


RSS FEED
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article May I Be Frank, Mr. President?
Challenging a double standard in the Oval Office
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/15/17
Salvator Mundi
Not the painting but the Person
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/7/17
When the Newsman Becomes News
Lamenting yet another fallen hero
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 12/1/17
Let's Hear It for Moms and Pops
Celebrating Small Business Saturday in a very personal way
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/22/17
An Earthquake in La La Land
Examining what's been exposed in the rubble
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/17/17
Where is God?
Reflecting on the tragedy in a little Texas town
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/10/17
An All Saints Day Tribute
Remembering those who left us
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/3/17

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.


RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2017 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top