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Thomson's Right.

by Dear Jon
July 8, 2003

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Sort 224_Dear Jon-Thomson's Right. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Reading your reply to Spaceman Spiff (Sort 222) on the possibility of extraterrestrial life in the universe got me to thinking: Assuming that we one day discover animal life on other planets and assuming that we can one day reach those planets to greet them, do you think that the animals will taste more like beef or chicken and what barbeque sauces should we carry along in preparation?

Big Mac

If you read the article by Mr. Thomson you realize that your question is moot. It will be the Chinese, the Japanese, and Indians that reach these other planets. The issue for the Chinese will be: which soy sauce? For the Japanese, which teriyaki sauce? The issue for India will be: Which of these creatures should we negotiate with for mineral rights, and which of these creatures should we worship as gods?

Meanwhile, Americans will use our satellite networks to feed-back ourselves into a perpetual loop of spam-mail and debate endlessly such questions as: “Which of these network-hired whores should this complete imbecile choose to marry?” or “Which new luxury car should I buy?” quite likely proving ourselves to be the most asinine people who have ever lived.


Dear Jon,

I am thinking of getting a new luxury car and am having trouble deciding between the Lexus, the BMW, and the Jaguar. Which do you think I should go with, and should I get it in red, green or black?


Rich Guy

Dear Rich Guy,

If you buy a Jaguar, you are really buying a Ford. A Mercedes is a Chrysler. I am not aware to the extent these new affiliations affect resale value, nor do I care enough to look it up. In fact, I really do not care much at all what car you drive.

Let me give you some advice you can use, and that has to do with the car’s color:
  1. Only women choose green as a color for a car. This does not mean that only women drive green cars. Lots of men drive green cars. They drive them either because they are a) color-blind, or b)married to a woman who chose the color.
  2. Women who dig red cars because they are red and expensive will also dig your money and be extremely superficial in every other conceivable way. Such women dream of one day appearing on a network “reality” show in a contest to see who can out-bimbo the other sluts so as to get engaged to an egomaniacal and barely articulate ignoramus.
  3. Black cars are stately, speaking of “old” money, taste and understatement. They are also very difficult to find at night, nor do they hide salt, dirt, or rust as well as you might hope. You can solve the night-finding problem by getting those remote-keys that make the car beep and flash its lights at you. The problem is that at night-time this looks too much like a Stephen King scenario. “The car is alive and winking demonic eyes at me! Aaaaaggggghhhh!”
  4. A blue car is a family car. Yellow cars are ugly. Pink cars might be eye-catching, but, really, sir….. By far the ugliest car I have ever seen is a 1970’s Pinto Station- Wagon, painted bright orange.
  5. Consider silver, an elegant color less staid than black while less obnoxious than red. Still an eye-catching magnet for reality television contestants, your car will also get a break on insurance.


Dear Jon,

Why do obituaries say a person is "survived by" their immediate family. ("he is survived by a wife, three children and seven grandchildren")What exactly does that mean? It just seems like a strange choice of words.

Morbid curiosity

Dear Curio,

What alternatives do you propose?

“His wife, three children and seven grandchildren ain’t dead yet.”

Or: “His family is still around, though.”

How about: “Regrets regarding things left unsaid and irreconciled will haunt his wife and their three offspring, while for two of the more impressionably neurotic of his seven grandchildren these bitter psychological undercurrents will translate into nightmares of their undead grandpa wandering around the kitchen looking for a piece of cake.”

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