Home
Loading
  Contact Us    
Sort 229

End Pop-Ups Now!

by Dear Jon
August 12, 2003

Bookmark and Share


Sort 229_Dear Jon-End Pop-Ups Now! ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Is it true that people who steal from museums are the lowest forms of life?

Signed,

The Curator


Dear Cura,

My knee-jerk, gut-level reaction is, “Yeah!” However, if someone were to say, "Dear Jon, are auto mechanics who deliberately cut brake-lines so that they can make more money in repairs the lowest forms of life?" my knee-jerk, gut-level reaction would also be "Yeah!"

So, since you are the only letter I received, and the Webmaster insists that I submit articles longer than one word, I decided I needed to reflect on low life-forms. There are, indeed, may species at the bottom of the ladder of life. For example, people who steal from churches are pretty low, but are they lower than Museum thieves? Perhaps that is a purely aesthetic choice. Here are other species of low-life:

Web Spammers: Especially the ones that send the pop-ups that say, “Don’t You Hate Getting These Pop-ups? Download Spam-Bloc Now!” This is fresh to me because it just happened. And it has just happened again.

Hit-and-runners: I hate these jerks.

Drunk drivers: I have a great idea: Immediate capital punishment. All the cop needs is a blood-alcohol level test and “BANG.” To ensure this is not abused, all drunk driving stops will be video-taped and the coroner’s inquest will match the blood-alcohol sample with the corpse’s DNA. This is an air-tight proposal. The only problem is that in Wisconsin the state police would need to set up a special “highway hotline” for mortuaries.

Excuse me, I just had another pop-up.

Shop-lifting is a practice of humanity’s bottom-feeders. Other low-lifes are junkies who share needles. In addition, see if you recognize any of these other species:

Graduate Students who sabotage the projects of others.

Gossips who sabotage the reputations of others.

LaRouche Democrats.

People who voted for the Reform Party in either 1996 or 2000.

Anyone who helped elect Jesse Ventura.

Californian Gubernatorial Recall Election candidates.

Kidnappers.

Thieves.

Extortionists.

Racketeers.

Among thieves, I suppose it takes a certain level of depravity to rob a museum. However, I still put muggers and armed robbers on a lower rung.

The viewers, audiences, guests, producers, directors, advertisers, camera operators and video editors on Jerry Springer.

Jerry Springer.

CEO’s who pay accountants to play shell-games with corporate indebtedness, then cut and run with the loot.

Martha Stewart is not low-life.

People who smoke in Laundromats.

Drunk sports fans in bars.

Drunk sports fans at home.

Drunk sports fans in stadiums.

Sports fans in stadiums who run onto the field and attack umpires or coaches.

Pardon me, this pop-up is offering a low mortgage rate.

Saddam Hussein is low-life, but not as low as either Osama bin Laden OR Yassir Arafat. PLA Prime Minister Abbas is not low-life, nor are the Hussein kings of Jordan.

No one is sure about Kim Jong Il.

Neither of the Bush presidents are low-life. They have been wrong about many things and right about many others, but on the whole act with integrity. Rumsfeld and Cheney, however……

Bill Clinton is not low-life, just low class.

A joke list would have all the convenient targets, such as “lawyers” and “congressmen.” Ha ha. Very droll. Those only belong on this list who are extortionists and racketeers.

The “Bachelor.”

The “Bachelorette.”

All the contestants for either.

Any one who auditioned for either.

Any one who watched more than half-an-hour of either.

So yes, people who steal from museums are low-lifes, but as you can see, they have plenty of company. These contemptible people are good for absolutely nothing except making the rest of us feel superior.

I have come to the conclusion, however, that there is one species of low-life more despicable than all others: The “Neo-Nazi.”

(0 Comments)
Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*


Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Location:


Comments:*
Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.



Verification:
Please type the letters you see above.

  Printer-Friendly

Bookmark and Share


PO BOOKS BY DEAR JON
Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS FEED
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
EMAIL ALERTS
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
Sort 229
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
Finally
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)


RSS FEED
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article Remembering the Queen of Soul
A tribute to Aretha Franklin
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 8/17/18
God, Be Praised for Recreation
New hymn lyrics in celebration of play
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 8/10/18
Homecoming at Last
Honoring the remains of Korean War veterans
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 8/3/18
Whatever the Weather
Submitting to the power of Mother Nature
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 7/27/18
A Way with Words
Exposing President Trump's verbal challenges
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 7/20/18
The Word Cup in a Cave
Celebrating the rescue of the Thailand soccer team
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 7/13/18
Let's Hear It for Liberty!
Celebrating our independence takes more than just one day
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 7/6/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.


RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top