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End Pop-Ups Now!

by Dear Jon
August 12, 2003

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Sort 229_Dear Jon-End Pop-Ups Now! ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

Is it true that people who steal from museums are the lowest forms of life?

Signed,

The Curator


Dear Cura,

My knee-jerk, gut-level reaction is, “Yeah!” However, if someone were to say, "Dear Jon, are auto mechanics who deliberately cut brake-lines so that they can make more money in repairs the lowest forms of life?" my knee-jerk, gut-level reaction would also be "Yeah!"

So, since you are the only letter I received, and the Webmaster insists that I submit articles longer than one word, I decided I needed to reflect on low life-forms. There are, indeed, may species at the bottom of the ladder of life. For example, people who steal from churches are pretty low, but are they lower than Museum thieves? Perhaps that is a purely aesthetic choice. Here are other species of low-life:

Web Spammers: Especially the ones that send the pop-ups that say, “Don’t You Hate Getting These Pop-ups? Download Spam-Bloc Now!” This is fresh to me because it just happened. And it has just happened again.

Hit-and-runners: I hate these jerks.

Drunk drivers: I have a great idea: Immediate capital punishment. All the cop needs is a blood-alcohol level test and “BANG.” To ensure this is not abused, all drunk driving stops will be video-taped and the coroner’s inquest will match the blood-alcohol sample with the corpse’s DNA. This is an air-tight proposal. The only problem is that in Wisconsin the state police would need to set up a special “highway hotline” for mortuaries.

Excuse me, I just had another pop-up.

Shop-lifting is a practice of humanity’s bottom-feeders. Other low-lifes are junkies who share needles. In addition, see if you recognize any of these other species:

Graduate Students who sabotage the projects of others.

Gossips who sabotage the reputations of others.

LaRouche Democrats.

People who voted for the Reform Party in either 1996 or 2000.

Anyone who helped elect Jesse Ventura.

Californian Gubernatorial Recall Election candidates.

Kidnappers.

Thieves.

Extortionists.

Racketeers.

Among thieves, I suppose it takes a certain level of depravity to rob a museum. However, I still put muggers and armed robbers on a lower rung.

The viewers, audiences, guests, producers, directors, advertisers, camera operators and video editors on Jerry Springer.

Jerry Springer.

CEO’s who pay accountants to play shell-games with corporate indebtedness, then cut and run with the loot.

Martha Stewart is not low-life.

People who smoke in Laundromats.

Drunk sports fans in bars.

Drunk sports fans at home.

Drunk sports fans in stadiums.

Sports fans in stadiums who run onto the field and attack umpires or coaches.

Pardon me, this pop-up is offering a low mortgage rate.

Saddam Hussein is low-life, but not as low as either Osama bin Laden OR Yassir Arafat. PLA Prime Minister Abbas is not low-life, nor are the Hussein kings of Jordan.

No one is sure about Kim Jong Il.

Neither of the Bush presidents are low-life. They have been wrong about many things and right about many others, but on the whole act with integrity. Rumsfeld and Cheney, however……

Bill Clinton is not low-life, just low class.

A joke list would have all the convenient targets, such as “lawyers” and “congressmen.” Ha ha. Very droll. Those only belong on this list who are extortionists and racketeers.

The “Bachelor.”

The “Bachelorette.”

All the contestants for either.

Any one who auditioned for either.

Any one who watched more than half-an-hour of either.

So yes, people who steal from museums are low-lifes, but as you can see, they have plenty of company. These contemptible people are good for absolutely nothing except making the rest of us feel superior.

I have come to the conclusion, however, that there is one species of low-life more despicable than all others: The “Neo-Nazi.”

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