Contact Us    
Sort 231

I'm (Breaking Up) With Stupid.

by Dear Jon
August 26, 2003

Bookmark and Share

Sort 231_Dear Jon-I'm (Breaking Up) With Stupid ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

I want to break up with my boyfriend, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't like him anymore, and he wants more out of this relationship than I am ready to give him. Please help.

Signed, Confused

Dear Con,

You’re confused? I’m confused! If you don’t like him anymore, what do you care about his feelings? Trust me, he will be confused, too.

You think I am being glib, but I am not. I am being grumpy. Part of “not liking” a person is taking an indifferent view towards their emotional condition. At least, that is true when I don’t like a person.

I suppose it is possible to feel compassion for someone who otherwise means nothing to you. You do not want to hurt his feelings because, in general, you prefer human beings to be happy rather than sad. However, it is very difficult to end a relationship which depends on liking a person without hurting that person’s feelings. It does not matter what you say, because that person will realize that the reason you dumped him is that you stopped liking him.

So, there is nothing for it. His feelings are going to be hurt, but you still need to break up with him. If you are going to have compassion, do not show it. Women who show compassion to guys they are dumping only confuse the guy. It offers the clueless gent a glimmer of what he thinks is hope.

“Not wanting to hurt feelings” is the reason that, since the dawn of time, approximately 15 billion women have given “friends” speeches to guys they do not like anymore. Do not, do not, do not go crazy with compassion and promise the guy that you can still be friends. Friends like each other, because that is the point of being friends. If you don’t like him anymore and you give him a “friends” speech, you are telling him and yourself a lie.

Face it, men are just plain stupid. We do not take hints well. Our intuition quotient approaches zero. For example, this is not intuition but experience that leads me to suppose that the reasons you do not like your boyfriend anymore fall into one of these categories:

His inability to multi-task the way you can makes him incapable of paying attention to you and Tiger’s putt at the same time, which means you have felt both ignored and in second place to televised golf.

He thinks the date of June 9, 2003 is important because that was his last oil change, completely forgetting that this was the evening of your first kiss.

After your first kiss, he did not call you for three whole days and has yet to apologize for what he put you through.

You commented not less than four times at how cute you thought the teddy bear was at the fairgrounds, and he never ONCE tried to play the ring toss to win it for you because he said “those games are all rigged to take people’s money.”

He thinks his conquest of the Extra-Super-Biggie Combo impresses you to the point that he can look forward to your goodies for dessert.

He falls asleep after agreeing, finally, to watch what you want to watch: the U.S. Women’s Figure Skating Championships.

The reason he is like this is not that he is an insensitive, inconsiderate weasel. He is like this because he is a male. You cannot expect him to suddenly wise up and get on your wavelength just because you are breaking up with him. Instead, being a man, he is bound to seize upon compassion and “friends” speeches to show you new heights of stupid male reasoning.

Stupid Male Logic Number One: “If she feels sorry for me, she must still care and I have a hope.” Stupid Male Logic Number Two: “If she wants us to be friends, that means she still likes me and I have a hope.”

Because guys are stupid, breaking up with us is hard to do, but here are some guidelines:

Keep him in public, leave him in public. Break up at Starbuck’s. If he follows you toward home, give him two warnings and the third time call the police. Do not break up in his apartment or in his car or at his parent’s house.

When you meet, be direct. “This isn’t working between us. I’m sorry, but you have your life to live and I have mine. I intend to start living mine again today, and you are free to live yours, but your life will not involve me and my life will not involve you.”

Readers: I answered a similar question way back in the Fourth Sort, which is one of three sorts out of 231 that have earned me fan mail.

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
Sort 231
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)

RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article Nor Easter Alert
A troubling forecast for a nation in need of God
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 3/16/18
A Tribute to Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
Looking back to where it all began PLUS; There Goes the Neighborhood
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 3/9/18
A Prayer for the Washington State Legislature
Remembering Billy Graham's example
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 3/2/18
A Sentry of the Past Century
Remembering Billy Graham; PLUS, Cross Words
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 2/23/18
Another St. Valentine's Day Massacre
When will the craziness stop?
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 2/16/18
Speaking of the Winter Olympics
A prayer for our athletes and our world
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 2/9/18
A Call for Respect
Lessons from the State of the Union
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 2/2/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.

RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top