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Always Nobody There.

by Dear Jon
October 7, 2003

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Sort 237_Dear Jon-Always Nobody There ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Dear Jon,

When is it proper to use "nobody" as opposed to "no one?"

Sincerely,
One body


Dear Ody,

There are many occasions in which it is proper to use "nobody."

Use "nobody" to blame for your own mistakes. Use "nobody" to do your dirty work.

Lie about "nobody." Cheat "nobody." Steal the possessions of "nobody." Copy the homework of "nobody." Plagiarize the thoughts and patents of "nobody."

You can even use "nobody" as a convenient scape-goat; hate "nobody" with a passion, stir up the mobs against "nobody," burn "nobody" in effigy.

Step on the toes of "nobody" as you climb the ladder to success. Sabotage the career of "nobody."

Take your revenge on "nobody." Gossip about "nobody." Use "nobody" as a verbal punching bag. Sneer at "nobody." Ignore "nobody." Make "nobody" feel beneath your notice.

Of course, you could also do these very same things with "no one."

The great thing is that, the more you do these things to "nobody" and "no one," the better you feel about yourself.

You can ignore "nobody" all you want, but it is wrong to help "no one" when you have the chance to help "somebody." I know this sounds bigoted, but "no one" really does not matter. You only need to worry about being a neighbor to "some one." You can neglect "no one," in fact, you can even treat "no one" with extreme prejudice.

When it comes to "no one," you can be as narrow-minded a bigot as you please.

People who think that they have to do mean things to "some one" in order to feel like "somebody" are pathetic. Why pick on "some one" when "no one" is always there? Even in the most crowded places you can still find "no one" to be mean to, "and no one" to use at their expense to buttress your status or ego.

When "somebody" decides to betray some one, that "some one" usually is not even present to defend themselves. (This is also normally true when some one decides to betray somebody.) It takes courage, however, to betray no one, because no one is always present to betray no matter how many people are around.

So, you can be a pathetic coward and use "somebody" or "some one" at their expense, or, you can have courage and integrity and use "nobody" or "no one" as often as you please.

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