Contact Us    
Sixteenth Sort

Safety tips for the American traveller.

by Dear Jon
January 15, 2001

Bookmark and Share

Sixteenth Sort_Dear Jon-Safety tips for the American traveller. Dear Jon: What was the deal with that whole Israeli-Palestinian thing? I thought this was a humor column! Sincerely, Bored.

Dear Bored, There you go again, assuming that Dear Jon has a one-track mind. I never promised an endless supply of laughter. I did say that I have lots of opinions, and that this is why the Dear Jon column exists.


Dear Jon: I have some vacation time coming up in the next few months and thinking about traveling to another country. Which foreign country would you
consider the most "American friendly?" Which would you consider the least?
Signed, World-traveler

Dear Traveler: To really open the doors of the world, travel with a Canadian passport. Then you won't need to worry about which countries are American friendly, since everyone loves Canadians because they are just as rich as Americans but don't have to be blamed for anything.

If you must travel as an American, here are some safety tips:

1. Do not pass through the checkpoints of any country that says, "We Welcome All Visitors Except the Imperialist Minions and Secret Agents of the Great

2. Leave your July Fourth patriotic wear, including the cap that reads "America RULES!" at home.

3. Do not exchange all your currency. Many people in underdeveloped countries, especially in Latin America or Eastern Europe, appreciate being tipped in American dollars. You may be surprised at the buying power of the U.S. dollar abroad.

4. If you happen to witness a demonstration of protestors burning the American flag outside of a U.S. consulate, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, walk into the crowd and shout, "Hey! I'm an American! That's MY flag you're burning!"

5. When a gunman in a checkered hood points you to a black van, respond by saying, "How's it goin', eh? I'm from Canada, ya know." Hopefully he will leave you alone after that.

6. Business executives should carry hostage insurance no matter where they visit.

7. Japan considers itself friendly to American tourists. In Japan, "friendliness" means they stand ten feet away from each, smile and bow, but don't say anything because that might intrude on your business. If you come closer than that, you might be a prostitute, which changes the whole dynamic.

8. The French do not think they are rude. The French think Americans are boorish. I hope to visit France one day with a lot of American money, and just strut around and be obnoxious.

9. It is considered impolite, on the nude beaches of Europe, to introduce yourself to a sunbather with any comment or compliment related to her anatomy.

10. There is no word in the Italian language to express the concept of "sexual harassment."

11. When in Germany, don't talk about the war. That was a long time ago.

12. Remember: Mexican policemen are not anti-American. They are pro-bribery. Always have small American currency on hand.

13. Many things about the English will impress you. Their humor is more sophisticated. Their theater is more professional. If you are humble and interested as a tourist, their conversation is more enlightening. Their history is much deeper and older, receding into myth and mystery. But at meal-times take the Super-train and eat in France.

14. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, go on a spray-painting binge with your drunk buddies while in Singapore.

The most American-friendly country is Canada. The least American-friendly country is whomever we've bombed most recently.

Coming Thursday: For the first time ever, only actual Dear Jon letters will appear!

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
Sixteenth Sort
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)

RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article Divided Loyalties
Our right to votes unites us as Americans
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/9/18
Violence in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
Protesting the synagogue shootings in Pittsburgh
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 11/2/18
Responding to Those Who Suffer
Lessons from Job when tragedy strikes
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/29/18
Grieving for a Friend
Mourning the death of Pastor Eugene Peterson
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/26/18
The Death of a Trailblazer
Remembering my neighbor Paul Allen
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/18/18
Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
The transgressions of youth and social media follow us
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/12/18
So Who are We to Judge?
A timely question
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 10/4/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.

RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top