Contact Us    
Sort 241

iTunes and Hits.

by Dear Jon
November 11, 2003

Bookmark and Share

Sort 241_Dear Jon-iTunes and Hits Thank you for surfing to the Partial Observer! We have advice columnists and trivia experts waiting to take your questions. We also have our own opinion wonks for all the latest news and trends. For example, if you typed on the search engine “iTunes of current hits” you could look on our menu for our resident Master of Rock and Roll trivia Dr. Spin. His heart is stuck in the 70’s but he wouldn’t be uploading his column if he didn’t keep up with today’s technology. The “Dear Jon Letters,” which is where you are right now, is the place you can get a guy’s opinion about your life and relationships. Think of “Dear Abby” with a baritone voice and a six-pack.

Think government is too big? Read James Leroy Wilson. Think government is absurd? Read Barnabas. You like t.v.? Catch the old “Program Notes” and then write to the editor INSISTING that PO restore the feature! Come up with a feature yourself—we are always looking for new writers. You can start small and anonymous, if you want, by getting in on the “forums.” And you can join our growing staff of occasional contributors!

Now here is an example of what the “Dear Jon Letters” are all about. There are 240 other columns on this site just like this one. Only those other ones are even funnier. I promise.


Dear Jon,

My wife has a phobia of drinking bottled water that's been left overnight after the bottle has been "opened" (i.e.; the plastic seal has been broken). It doesn't matter if the cap has been put back on, in her mind, the water is now "bad." If the bottle has been refrigerated after opening, that's okay, but only for one additional day. Is this fear rational?


Dear Hydro,

It is obvious that the relationship between you and your wife is in grave peril. You have written to Dear Jon just in time.

To save your marriage, you need to remember that just because your wife’s fears are irrational does not make them wrong. Rational vs. irrational is a boring male distinction based on the connection between effect and cause. Men like a “rational” world where effects can be traced to obvious causes. Completely removed from this equation is the reality called “Intuition.” Intuition allows for causes that are not obvious, particularly to clueless rational males.

Intuition is what gave eyes to the back of your mother’s head. Intuition is what allows women to “multi-task,” allowing them to perform eight other functions (fixing a lunch while ironing a blouse while filing nails while collating that morning’s presentation while putting the breakfast juice away) at the same time that they are reminding you (again) about the dinner party at the Smith’s that evening and could you please pick up some wine.

Because you are a male, you will not pick up the wine because you have no idea about the dinner at the Smith’s because while your wife was giving you these instructions you were completely absorbed solving the maze on the back of the cereal box.

It is intuition, finally, that informs your wife, at some deep psycho-spiritual level for which you can find no obvious cause, that when she is not in the house, you drink the water straight from the bottle. You KNOW that there is no possible way that she can know that this is true. You also know that whenever your wife is out of the house you take your unwashed lips to the spout of that bottle and suck it like a pacifier.

Don’t deny it! You’re talking to another guy and I know what guys do! (If she really has a phobia, by the way, it may trace back to male human pigs when she was growing up who used the refrigerator like their own private feeding troughs.)

You are trying to cover yourself by talking about her “irrational fears.” Women know, intuitively, that most male talk about rational and irrational is a cover for male misbehavior. What you need to do is shut up when it comes to blaming her and come up with a different plan.

Offer a period of “trial separation.” Buy two different labels of bottled water, one “his” and one “hers.” Assure her that you will not touch her water, you will only drink your own. Stick to that promise. See if her attitude toward opened water bottles begins to change. Hopefully that means less bottled water being dumped down the sink.

Show that you want to reconcile by being romantic and thoughtful. Set aside an evening, fix dinner yourself, and play her favorite music. I’m sure the Web can provide plenty of romantic iTunes.

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
Sort 241
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

More by Dear Jon
Sort 433: Going on Sabbatical
Miss Me? Let me know!
by Dear Jon, 6/15/10
Sort 432: Jokes and Horse Names
and other Random One Liners
by Dear Jon, 6/8/10
Sort 431: Piggy Tossing
and the new touring show: "Lord of the Flies."
by Dear Jon, 6/1/10
Sort 430: Forwarding Fear
Spam with a side of mashed logic
by Dear Jon, 5/25/10
Sort 429, Mixing Oil and Water
is like mixing politics and humor. All you get is a sticky mess and a lot of upset environmentalists.
by Dear Jon, 5/18/10
Sort 428: Handling the Truth
And other lessons for cable channels
by Dear Jon, 5/11/10
Sort 427: Dear Jon Knew When to Shut Up
by Dear Jon, 5/4/10
» Complete List (462)

RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon

Recently Published
View Article Nor Easter Alert
A troubling forecast for a nation in need of God
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 3/16/18
A Tribute to Mister Rogers' Neighborhood
Looking back to where it all began PLUS; There Goes the Neighborhood
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 3/9/18
A Prayer for the Washington State Legislature
Remembering Billy Graham's example
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 3/2/18
A Sentry of the Past Century
Remembering Billy Graham; PLUS, Cross Words
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 2/23/18
Another St. Valentine's Day Massacre
When will the craziness stop?
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 2/16/18
Speaking of the Winter Olympics
A prayer for our athletes and our world
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 2/9/18
A Call for Respect
Lessons from the State of the Union
by Greg Asimakoupoulos, 2/2/18

Get the Partial Observer's
'recently published' headlines via RSS.

RSS Feed for Recently Published PO Articles    What is RSS?

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2018 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top