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Eighteenth Sort

Dear Jon reaches out to our female readers in his own special way.

by Dear Jon
January 22, 2001

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Eighteenth Sort_Dear Jon-Dear Jon reaches out to our female readers in his own special way. ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON

Dear Jon, Why do women always ask difficult questions, such as, "What's more important, spending time with me or watching the Super Bowl?" Do they really want an answer, or are they just looking for a reason to fight? How would you handle this delicate situation? A Football Fan

Dear Fan, For you and me, this question has exactly one answer, which is completely logical, rational, reasonable, and sensible: "If I could only see you once a year, and that was at the same time as the Super Bowl, I would rather spend that time with you." As you know, this answer probably is not the answer they are looking for.

You know from recent letters that there are fundamental mysteries between men and women. For women, sex for no reason is a mysterious desire on the man's part. For the man, crying for no reason is a mysterious phenomenon on the woman's part. This question, which has no right answers, is the woman's signal: "I am about to cry for no reason, and nothing you can say or want to say will stop me."

One way to make peace in this contentious issue, is to present the significant woman in your life with a Super Bowl present, such as roses or chocolate or both. Or, lavish her with attention the Saturday evening before the game. Take her to something she likes to do, say, dancing, and actually dance. Unless she is miserably high-maintenence, she will be much more willing, the next day, to watch the Super Bowl with you, or let you have your "space."

Dear Jon: Just to put in some equal time, are you going to pretend that this letter, which isn't even a real letter anyway, is written by a woman? If so, what would be a good question for you to answer? You seem to have run out of all the run-of-the-mill, battle-of-the-sexes chauvinistic stereotypes for cheap laughs. Sincerely, Marlene in Boulder.

Dear Marlene: You possess extraordinary feminine instincts. Not only that, but I threw in some geographical diversity, too. You raise a good point. Why is it that the only people who write for, to, and about the Partial Observer, are men? Is it because men are more inclined to surf the web anyway? Has the "mouse" become the "remote" of the new century? The fact is, this is a testosterone-charged rag that "The Webmaster" is publishing, and all our efforts to recruit women, have fallen flat. We need a balance of perspective, or we will have to change the name to "The Extremely, Minutely Partial Observations of Angry Homophobic White Males."

Hopefully some of the writers on the forums have been women, and if that is the case, I look forward to their "actual letters to Dear Jon" protesting the web-proficiency of females.

Dear Jon: What if, instead of trying to lure women to write for the Partial Observer in general, you try to bait women to write angry leaders to Dear Jon by going after cheap controversy instead of cheap laughs? Sincerely, A Trouble-Maker

Dear Maker: All in all that is a short-term strategy. Usually those women who have said to me, "I will never speak to you again," have meant it, and
haven't. Even if I stir something up, something stupid like, "The Government Should Stop Regulating Silicon Implants" and list as the reasons, "1. Because it Interferes with a Woman's Choice, 2. Because Every Woman Wants to Look Great for Her Man. 3. Because Every Man Wants His Woman to Look Great. 4. Because the "Isis" herbal treatment is just the same old homeopathic quackery," then I would get letters that would say to the effect, "Dear Jon, I am never reading your column or the Partial Observer again, Signed, A Woman," and, as it has been my experience at least, they will mean it. Besides, most any controversy I could excite would be over something as stupidly chauvinistic as this, which I am only using as an illustration, and I would never be able to make any kind of passionate defense for such ignorant sentiments.

Dear Jon: Has it occurred to you that you might get angry letters anyway, because of the reader's tendency to skip to the middle of paragraphs, get angry, and not read the ends of paragraphs to put everything, including really lame satire, into context? Sincerely, A Concerned Reader.

Dear Concerned: I guess we will find out soon whether that has happened.

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